Last night I figured out why my tummy hurt so much. This occurred to me after I emerged\u2013oddly triumphant\u2013from the bathroom, the herbalife-wannabe diet supplement stuff I\u2019ve been taking has had a constipating effect on me. More than anyone needed to know, I\u2019m sure.<\/p>\n
I just got over a nasty cold and although James has boosted up his vitamins and immunity-improving stuff like Vitamin C, echinachea and zinc and we avoided kisses on the mouth for a bit he seems to have caught it anyway. He didn\u2019t have to work this evening. I came home to find him all tucked up in blankets on the couch, coughing, wheezing and basically looking beat, but he snapped to attention when I called out that I brought home dinner.<\/p>\n
I guess we were supposed to go to his dad\u2019s tonight\u2013yesterday he called to tell James he had some mail of his (which happens now and then so naturally we try to drop by to visit within a couple days). So James told me he was waiting for me to come home so we could leave. After we ate, we watched the end of an old movie on AMC and then I breezily inquired as to whether we should get ready to go. He yelled in a defensive tone \u201cOKAY, already!\u201d and I was like whoa! All I did was ask a question! After a bit he cheered up and started messing with me, tickling and joking and whatnot, I don\u2019t get it, he\u2019s always either so down or else he\u2019s being so silly it\u2019s ridiculous. I try my best to ignore it because I don\u2019t know what\u2019s really going to happen between us in the next couple weeks. I try to not get too weird and come out and say stuff that I know about him not being happy with me and wanting to go to CO and shit. At the same time I try to be reserved, which is hard because there\u2019s lots of emotions in me. Keep in mind I\u2019m trying to get this month\u2019s rent paid and then decide what to do, and once I decide, I\u2019m acting quickly.<\/p>\n
I keep thinking of the day I\u2019m just going to tell him \u201cLook I know you are not happy here with me and I know there are things about each other we are not going to change, either we have to accept them and work things out between us or move on. I can\u2019t accept lots of things you want in life and you can\u2019t accept what I want either.\u201d. Sometimes it makes me sort of sad because we have some history. On the other hand I almost always am reminded of when my mom and my friend\u2019s mom both told me (on separate occasions) that before I was with him I seemed happier and had my life together. Looking back I find that to be so fucking true. It irks me now\u2013realizing some of the things I\u2019ve given up on\u2013just to be with him.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve given up on:-Taking time out for myself, really caring about my own feelings and desires, even little things. -I\u2019ve started to be the fish wife, spending every waking moment trying to please him and then bitching about it. -I\u2019ve started to become depended-on by him and he\u2019s not all that grateful.<\/p>\n
-I\u2019ve started to live vicariously through him, sometimes talking incessantly about him and our future together (which I\u2019m sure annoyed friends and family) and talking about all the things he likes, his family and stuff when people asked me how I\u2019M DOING, not asking for an update on him\u2026.and I always hated that in married\/involved couples that I know, and always promised myself I\u2019d never stoop to that in order to try to be happy.<\/p>\n
I just want to break down and cry sometimes because I am just starting to feel trapped. Sometimes I revel in the fact that if we do break up, I\u2019d be free to do as I please again! What a breath of fresh air that would be, to have my life back! But of course for a while I\u2019d be hurt because of love lost, wasted, but it\u2019s something I knew would happen one day when I threw myself back into dating and getting intimately involved with men again. I was totally prepared to risk it all, to get my heart broken because it was better than being alone for too long.<\/p>\n
Later he took a shower and I wondered if we were going to go to his dad\u2019s. He called over there to ask what was up and say \u2018hi\u2019 and I guess they\u2019re inviting us to dinner tomorrow night. After awhile he sat there in the other room looking like he lost his dog. I asked him what was wrong and he just kept telling me nothing was wrong and I told him I really wanted him to tell me what was on his mind and pointed out that he tends to stuff things away and then some small tiny thing happens later to set him off and I have to duck and cover and prepare to hear about the shit that\u2019s been bugging him for the last four months. So after a bit I stopped pestering him and next thing I know he\u2019s curled up in the fetal position on the bed. I don\u2019t know if he stayed up all day or if he is really not feeling good tonight. I asked him again how he was feeling and I checked for a fever but he felt fine.<\/p>\n
Whatever.<\/p>\n
All this thinking about us and our issues, and the stupid television, has gotten me so mad I could do the dishes.<\/p>\n
But it\u2019s still his turn. Since Saturday.<\/p>\n
I think I feel nausea coming on.<\/p>\n
PS – I\u2019m just writing down these things as they occur to me and I am not pleaing for pity. I\u2019m really having a hard time finding\/understanding\/validating my feelings and then trying to decide what to do because I\u2019ve never been in love before, so bear with me.<\/p>\n
PPS – Yes I said that. Never. Not once.<\/p>\n
PPPS – I\u2019m not a stupid person, I\u2019m pretty goddamned self assured and confident with myself, and with many things dealt to me in my life. I just am stumped by this particular issue. And yes, I did feel the need to assure this to anyone who reads this<\/p>\n
\u2026and yeah, that includes myself.<\/p>\n
Is there such a thing as this many PS\u2019s? I\u2019m too tired to look it up.<\/p>\n
\nOther posts on this day:<\/p>\n
Last night I figured out why my tummy hurt so much. This occurred to me after I emerged\u2013oddly triumphant\u2013from the bathroom, the herbalife-wannabe diet supplement stuff I\u2019ve been taking has had a constipating effect on me. More than anyone needed to know, I\u2019m sure. I just got over a nasty cold and although James has … <\/p>\n