{"id":94,"date":"2006-06-26T13:36:53","date_gmt":"2006-06-26T13:36:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bobbijowoods.com\/?p=94"},"modified":"2006-06-26T13:36:53","modified_gmt":"2006-06-26T13:36:53","slug":"kiss-my-sass-blog-archive-this-is-my-oscars-2005-blog","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bobbijowoods.com\/?p=94","title":{"rendered":"Kiss My Sass \u00bb Blog Archive \u00bb This is my Oscars 2005 blog."},"content":{"rendered":"

The pre-party red carpet commentary from me is happenin\u2019 right now before your very eyes. I decided to give my blow-by-blow this year via my blog because it\u2019s a total waste to just be yelling at the TV in my sweats.<\/p>\n

Sweats? Yes. I don\u2019t do parties because people would kick me out if I did. I would have nothing nice to say and can\u2019t bear to not say it.<\/p>\n

E! Entertainment News has been covering the Red Carpet since 9 am (???) So I was all \u201cOMG the Oscars are tonight!\u201d Like E! I have been dressed to the shoes and walking around the house getting ready, as if I were hosting the Oscars at my dinky little St. Paul apartment. As if I\u2019m expecting the whole entertainment world to come banging down my door at any moment, start marching around in gowns, waving their arms royally and saying \u201cWho are you wearing?\u201d. I turned the phone off at 6:30 CST and made one last trip to the corner store to stock up on whatever I need between now and tomorrow. I got frozen pizzas and they\u2019re cooked up and there\u2019s a pint of Ben & Jerry\u2019s new Oatmeal Cookie Chunk & cinnamon-flavored ice cream waiting for me in the freezer.<\/p>\n

Why do I get like this every freakin year??!! WHY GOD WHY??! I HATE Hollywood. I can\u2019t stand almost any part of it but I have to watch this shit. Like I would die if I didn\u2019t know what everyone was talking about tomorrow around the water cooler, \u2019cause I didn\u2019t see it. I\u2019ve already consumed half a container of nacho cheese dip with a bucket of corn chips. Yes\u2026I\u2019m such a loser. I dunno why but I have to watch the fucking Oscars every year.<\/p>\n

Well, what else to do besides settle in, grab a cup o\u2019 joe and read along. I gotchyer play by play right heeyah.<\/p>\n

You\u2019ll have to expand to see the rest babes\u2026this is a long one! PS – I don\u2019t post winners or nominees lists so you will have to go elsewhere for that\u2026this is just shallow, fun, biting commentary.<\/p>\n

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Drew Barrymore looks as if she missed her fabu Beverly Hills hair salon appointment and wound up having to go see Lulu\u2019s Hair Haven instead, with her red bouffant (how the hell yah spell that word I\u2019ll never know). So anyway, she tells Star Jones she is \u201cdoing great, I just turned thirty!\u201d then when Star asks her what is making her happy these days, Drew says her \u201cfamily, and loved ones and friends,\u201d so then Star says. \u201cWhat you been up to lately?\u201d and Drew replies how she thinks being 30 is great and she feels she is aging gracefully and gushes that she is happy and fulfilled which in Hollywood translates to \u201cI\u2019m up to nothing and I suck.\u201d<\/p>\n

Oprah comes up to Star and yells \u201cHey skinny!\u201d and Star calls Oprah skinny and they start going into the whole ghetto-switchover from normal dialect, calling each other \u2018girlfriend\u2019 and all but rolling their necks and the two of them start saying some shit I can\u2019t remember but it was classic fake bullshit. I\u2019m just surprised as hell that Oprah even had time to talk to anyone, let alone attend this evening\u2019s festivities. I mean, gee, between a) her TV show, b) bitchslapping\/slave driving Dr. Phil around and c) having her head permanently up Maya Angelou\u2019s ass, I can\u2019t believe she found a lil\u2019 free slice in her schedule! Speaking of Oprah, is this for real?? no waaayyy.<\/p>\n

Annette Bening and Warren Beatty are talking to Star Jones and looking 100 years old. Annette makes me feel like she\u2019s the female Rip Van Winkle. Guess it\u2019s time to wake her up\u2026 cause it\u2019s been five years since she has done anything. I guess she got a nomination for a role (albeit an old-lady role) up against Hil Swank, Kate Winslet, some other old lady and a young obscure Hispanic girl. Wow, what are the odds\u2026 didn\u2019t this same thing happen back then too? Googling it\u2026brb.<\/p>\n

Yep! But more on that later\u2026<\/p>\n

A brunette and coked-up-looking Rene Zelweiger is being chatted up by the guy from ABC talking and her voice is as rasp as a weepy bitter fishwife\u2019s. Forehead wrinkles and crows feet prominent as the day is long. She is a nervous wreck even though the ABC guy is all \u201cSo, no pressure tonight eh, just presenting?\u201d To which she is keeping herself from rolling her eyes because we all know when you hear someone ask that question it means \u201cSo, you suck hardcore, because you are not up to a damn thing these days, are you?\u2019<\/p>\n

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Oh look it\u2019s a late Halloween for Mario Van Peeples and his dad (I think?), who\u2019ve come dressed like pimps from the streets of Cleveland. WTF??!!<\/p>\n


\nGwyneth Paltrow looks like she\u2019s been napping along with Annette for the last 8 years and is all waving at the camera like \u2018come over here and talk to me\u2019 yeah right, no one wants to talk to your sorry pale ass.<\/p>\n

A practically manic Robin Williams appears on the screen briefly, just before a cut to commercial. I glance around for the remote in case I need to get it ready. After commercial I almost cheer! They didn\u2019t put him on! Thank God the ABC host\u2019s camera guy simply panned over him, rather than having the host chat him up.<\/p>\n

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In between commercials theyare playing \u201cMemorable past Oscarmoments\u201d bits. Gawd I wish theywould quit playing that one of HalleBerry fucking bawling through her\u201dI broke the door down for women of color\u201d speech!<\/p>\n

What\u2019s the deal with having Shrek & Charlie Chaplin walking into the sunset? So you can superimpose shit on film, big deal.<\/p>\n

The show is starting\u2026<\/h3>\n

I am looking forward to seeing how Chris Rock does. Should be interesting. Wtf??! right away he goes into the black nominees thing. Shut up. OK now he is sort of getting funny, he just said, \u201cMichael Moore shoulda done Supersize Me<\/em>, instead of Farenheit 9\/11<\/em> he\u2019s sure as hell already done the research for it.\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u2019m kinda not missing Billy Crystal this year\u2026I dunno why I guess the only thing I miss about Billy Crystal not being on would be the whole song-and-dance broadway production along with the 10-minute movie montage wherein he makes fun of the movies. I also guess I just like the idea of Chris Rock\u2019s totally less-than-sensitive ass being up there knocking all these prim and proper muthas out. Theres an occasional collective \u2018gasp\u2019 from the audience as he goes on about the Source Awards having been more like a gun show, and then the camera goes right over to none other than Sean \u201cP. Diddy\u201d Combs. Ha ha. TV kills me.<\/p>\n

Who knew Beyonce could sing in French? I was in the other room so I\u2019m a bit pissed that I missed most of this.<\/p>\n

Oh fuck me. They put Robin Williams on. Can. You. Just. Present. The. Fuckin. Award. Please. Fuckfuckfuck. The man thinks he is some sort of one man performance art troupe or something because every fucking time I see him on TV and he\u2019s given a second to speak he takes an hour, which wouldn\u2019t be all that bad if he didn\u2019t insist on a complete run through of all his personalities, making Sally Fields\u2019 \u201cSybil\u201d look completely normal. Lay off the speed, and let someone else talk for a sec, babe.<\/p>\n

What the hell happened to Pierce Brosnan\u2019s voice? Sounds like he swallowed a bucket of road gravel.<\/p>\n

Why oh why do they have to show us all these technical awards even though we care not?<\/p>\n

\u201cHotel Rwanda<\/em>, The story of a heroic man\u2019s triumph\u2026.\u201d over\u2026zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZ ZZ ZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZz wake me when this shit is over.<\/p>\n

Cate Blanchett played a half decent Kate Hepburn\u2026I\u2019m gonna have to see this goddamned movie now. Fuck.<\/p>\n

Natalie Portman will not surprise me if she wins.<\/p>\n

Looks like she didn\u2019t\u2026Ah well. On to the next thing\u2026YAY for commercials.<\/p>\n

Johnny Carson was great. Missing him lots\u2026course I\u2019ve been missing him since 1992. I remember him being so funny and at the same time sarcastic but not rude. I hated when Whoopi Goldberg did it. She was always pissing someone off\u2026which can be okay I guess but take it easy sometimes eh? Who is your favorite Oscars host? I fondly recall back when Who Wants To Be A Millionaire<\/em> was the top TV show. I can\u2019t remember if it was Billy Crystal or whoever hosting that year, but they started out by saying \u201cWelcome to the XXth Annual Academy Awards, or what ABC likes to call Regis\u2019s Night Off\u201d.<\/p>\n

In case you didn\u2019t notice already they tried to cut out a huge chunk of time in the show which was usually spent waiting for people to drag their asses to the stage and talking all night. Seems they are putting nominees for many awards on the stage, and as they are being called out they stand there looking dumb until the winner is announced. I\u2019m not sure if they are trying to hike ratings by keeping things moving quickly, or if something else is happening here.<\/p>\n

Oh, great! Counting Crows is singing. WTF?? Adam Duritz looks like Kevin James and Kid from Kid N Play<\/em> had a boy who grew up to be a spaz in a blue suit with Krusty\u2019s Sideshow Bob-sized dreadlocks!<\/p>\n

OK now it\u2019s time to pan the camera over the token geriatric attendees\u2026Mickey Rooney, some other old chick, blah blah\u2026wait. Go back. Wow, is Mickey Rooney still alive??! Oh that\u2019s right, he just did that butt-exposing ad that got banned from TV. And speaking of old peopl\u2026what is with this guy from the Academy, he\u2019s all, \u201cI\u2019ll keep this brief,\u201d yeah, cause you\u2019re half dead and can\u2019t afford to waste another second, so get to it! The guy looks like 20 years older now that he shaved off his beard since last year.<\/p>\n

Al Pacino is Mr. Facelift poster boy. He looks like an old Andy Garcia. What a shame.<\/p>\n

Gosh, it\u2019s only been 2 hours and it seems nearly done?? I\u2019m thinking the speed at which the ceremony is going means they are rushing through it because something more important is going to happen. Like the parties or something. Then again I forget this is the last working day for most of these yahoos. I mean, don\u2019t lots of famous stars party for days on end after the Oscars, then go to fancy resorts until next September, basically sitting on their asses \u2019til they have another gig in the fall?<\/p>\n

I will give the show\u2019s producers a high five for thinking of the men at home watching TV. Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek both presenting for a technical award, and the combination of the two actress\u2019s sexy accents and the fact that their cleavages were nearly dumping out of their dresses, will surely not let anyone forget all the winners for Acheivement in Sound and Sound Editing. And yes, old farty sound guy Oscar winner, these ARE TECHNICAL AWARDS! He\u2019s all \u201cThese are not technical awards, people, they are important artistic awards.\u201d<\/p>\n

Carlos Santana and this singing guy are great, but don\u2019t let me get started on The Motorcycle Diaries<\/em>. OK. Um. What else should I talk about\u2026okay lemme just say this one thing about it. Che Guevera should have just stayed on his goddamned motorcycle and kept his yap shut.<\/p>\n

YAY! Commercial break!<\/p>\n

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This portion of day lee\u2019s Oscars 2005 blog brought to you by\u2026\u201cHealth Insurane Hut\u201d. I highly recommend that if you need some Health Insurane, you ought to go over to Health Insurane Hut and read all about it. They must got some mighty fine Health Insurane over there, go git you some today. Talk about spamming the search engines.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

OOOH OOH the documentary awards! I never wanted a potty break so bad in my entire life.<\/p>\n

\u201cHardwood<\/em> – the triumph of a black man\u2019s basetball blah blah blah\u2026 Sister Rose\u2019s Passion<\/em>, In a world\u2026where\u2026a nun triumphs over the human spirit, laying the groundwork and inspiration of the \u2026blah blah\u2026Some weird-u-mentary about THE TRIUMPH of mentally retarded people OOOPS developmentally specially abled\u201d\u2026zz zzzzzzzzz zzzz zzzz z zzzzzzzzzz zzz zzzzzz z z zzzz zzzzzz zzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzz zzzzz zzzzzz zzzzz zzzz z zzzzzzzzzzz zzzzz wake me when this shits over, man.<\/p>\n

OK, Prince just announced the Oscar for best original song and this guy comes out and starts singing Spanish to the audience and he\u2019s doing it as if to address only the Hispanic people in the audience. Antonio Banderas and Carlos Santana are put on the camera briefly and they\u2019re like \u201cOh yeah, I know what he\u2019s saying! How exclusive and cool that only we know what he\u2019s saying!\u201d<\/p>\n

Sean Penn is a jackass. Getting testy because someone didn\u2019t know who Jude Law was. Well my mom doesn\u2019t know what Jude Law is. So what? It\u2019s not like the difference between not knowing your ass from a whole in the ground! I mean, Jude Law, when you think of it, is not important in the grand scheme of Hollywood, or in the grand scheme of humankind, in general. So get over it Sean.<\/p>\n

Hilary Swank\u2019s all, \u201cOh dear me, I\u2019m just a girl from a trailer park\u2026\u201d wtf??! Also she wants say how honored she is to be in the same category as Annette and Chica #3 and Old Lady #2 and Kate Winslet. OK let\u2019s not kiss ass here Hil. You are not awe-inspired by these chicks, as you say. You\u2019re just trying really hard to make sure you don\u2019t offend.<\/p>\n

Annette Benning\u2019s Oscar clip is hilarious! With a British accent she sounds like Christine Baranski trying to read Shakespeare after 20 martinis. Uff da.<\/p>\n

Uggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh is it oooooooovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvverrrrrrrrr yet????
\nThey dragged Julia Roberts\u2019 sorry ass out here now for what? zzzzzzzzzzzz z z z zz zzzz she cannot read worth a damn.<\/p>\n

How come Scorcese hasn\u2019t won something for his big big important fillum??! Guess it\u2019s not happenin\u2019 tonight, Marty boy. Did you know that production of The Aviator<\/em> got put on hold for like a year because some of the documentation was lost in the SoCal wildfires? Some lil\u2019 trivia I picked up from E! Why is this lady in the audience bawling??! Seems the mere mention of Clint Eastwood and this Million Dollar Baby<\/em> movie is bringin\u2019 the excitement tonight. Gawd if that is the case then Hollywood\u2019s gettin\u2019 bo-ring! Not that I think it\u2019s a sucky movie\u2026I can\u2019t say I haven\u2019t seen it yet but I\u2019m saying there have got to be more exciting movies than just one that the audience is going apeshit over. Is Clint Eastwood dying or somethin\u2019? Everyone is acting like he is. He is not that old\u202675 and looks very good!<\/p>\n

Post Award Party Crap, Gossip, Word Vomit, Etc.<\/h3>\n

Rosario Dawson?? Why the fuck is she being interviewed by the E! people? And why does she look like a meth addict? She is talking 100 miles a minute. Good Gawd girl. Go home and clean house, don\u2019t waste all that unbridled energy on a celeb party. You\u2019ll never get another gig actin\u2019 like that.<\/p>\n

I need to go to bed soon so I can\u2019t guarantee much more from here on out.<\/p>\n

Favorite Quotes:<\/strong><\/p>\n

This portion of day lee\u2019s Oscars 2005 blog brought to you by\u2026 The \u201cHelp Charlize Theron Find Her Eyebrows\u201d Foundation<\/strong>
\nThis is a very serious issue not getting enough attention from the national media. This unfortunate woman has been missing most of her eyebrow hair since way before last year around this time. Please donate your extra brow pencils, combs and brow shadow to The \u201cHelp Charlize Theron Find Her Eyebrows\u201d Foundation. Thank you.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\u201cThey gave that guy his award on stage, man! What\u2019s up with that?! Next year they gonna be giving out the awards in the parkin\u2019 lot!\u201d -Chris Rock<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s no genitals on it [her Oscar statuette], which kinda freaks me out!\u201d -Cate Blanchett<\/p>\n

\u201cThey gave that guy his award on stage, man! What\u2019s up with that?! Next year they gonna be givin\u2019 out the awards in the parkin\u2019 lot!\u201d -Chris Rock<\/p>\n

Favorite Moments:<\/strong><\/p>\n

When they brought out \u201cDusty\u201d Dustin Hoffman and Babs \u201cPapa can you hear me\u2026even though I\u2019m washed uuuuup?<\/em>\u201d Streisand out. They\u2019re presenting best picture and Babs is all fiesty, grabbing the envelope from Dustin. She\u2019s all \u2018gimme that!\u2019 To which Dustin rolls his eyes, and he\u2019s going \u2018Okay, ok, touchy touchy\u2019. *Gasp*
\nNo! Annette Bening loses against Hilary Swank, AGAIN. Flashback to five years ago. Same deal, Hil wins for Boys Don\u2019t Cry against Annette\u2019s role in American Beauty<\/em>. Annette honey, you\u2019re gonna have to take a valium tonight sweety. You just ain\u2019t it.<\/p>\n

Donatella Versace looking like death warmed over, but fresh off the tanning bed. E! reporter lady: \u201cHow are you enjoying yourself at the festivities Donatella?\u201d Donatella: \u201cGEDDOUT! I juss smoke seegadettes and loohk goohd.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey get on camera (now that everyone has gone to bed). Big surprise there. What is weird is Pa & Ma Simpson aren\u2019t each handcuffed to Jessica, course now that Asslee is their big star they\u2019re too busy with her. Nick looks as though he\u2019d do much better somewhere else, seriously, he looks like one of of those ads from back in the day where they have thought balloons floating over people and it says \u201cI\u2019d rather be playing Scrabble\u201d.<\/p>\n

Now I\u2019m really going to bed \u2019cause here comes Oprah lookin\u2019 drunk and redeyed and I do not want Oprah to be in my last thoughts before bed.<\/p>\n

Those were the highlights. Swear to GAWD. What a sucky show this year.<\/p>\n

Besides the fact that Chris Rock hosted.<\/p>\n

YAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNn. Sucky sucky waste of 3.25 hours of my Sunday.<\/p>\n

Same day, different year..<\/h3>\n

\nOther posts on this day:<\/p>\n