Author: BJW Woods

Okay, I know this is like, a week late, but here goes:

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

What happens after you leave the kids at daycare:

Okay. Got that out of my system.

I’m over at the work force center on my lunchbreak, looking for a job, albeit not looking very hard.

Uff da!
I’ve just entered the SXSW Design competition and haven’t even re-designed. If the judges look at it now, they’ll be sorry. Oh, well.

Gotta run…more later!

Same day, different year..

Other posts on this day:

• It’s already Sunday night…. – 2000

Monday started just like any other, up early in the morning, off to work, busted ass all day and yada yada. Only this time I found myself in a state of clarity about my life. I know for a fact I do not want it to remain the way it is, which is sucky. With a capital ‘S’. Anyway here are some vibes I got to prove my point:

I have a pretty good idea that my manager doesn’t like me
I was on a roll, very productive at work. I usually hit a sleepy spot around mid-day and I didn’t have one. So that was awesome. When it got to be 2:15, the afternoon girl came in to relieve me, even though I don’t leave until 2:30. Anyway, we’ll call her Sheila. Sheila hardly said a word to me and started working by going down the hall to take care of the mail (Whose ass are you trying to kiss, Sheila?? You don’t even start til 2:30!). Then a few minutes later, as I was tidying up my workstation, I call the manager to ask her something and she’s all “Hello, Sheila!” (obviously thinking it was Sheila calling and not me). I tell Ms. Manager flatly that this is Bobbi and I work until 2:30. To which she seems a bit sheepish and say, “Oh. Well, it says ‘Sheila’ on the display.” Hmm. Yes. It does. But it’s not 2:30 yet. Get a hold of yourself!

I feel stuck at mom’s
Had to run some errands after that, so I got home from work around five, and I’m hungry. I am usually not so hungry that early in the evening but I have been replacing breakfast and lunch with protein shakes and having little snacks in between like an apple, popcorn, etc. Anyway so I could just about eat a bear and I find out mom is making dinner and is not ready. She’s insisting we have meat loaf and baked potatoes with steamed broccoli. Since she doesn’t eat hamburger, and I don’t like anything she makes with ground turkey, I went right ahead and spoiled it. I had to…I was ravenous!. I ate 3 little candy bars (ahhh, nuttin’ like them halloween leftovers). Then I ate about a cup and a half of those little rice crackers. I sat in my room leafing through the job section of the paper in between bites and flipping through the channels on tv for about an hour or so and JUST WHEN ‘FRIENDS’ COMES ON…the bitch is calling everyone for dinner. I know, I know, it’s only a rerun but come on, it’s wackier than the snory senate debates–which I must’ve dozed off 4 times trying to watch. I come out to the dining room and mom’s got this ridiculous, puky CD on. To me, she turns and beams, “It’s ‘The Instrumental Beatles’, don’t you just love it?” (who the Christ wants to hear that, I ask you?) Then Sandy and Tony and Brandon and I all huddle around the dinky table trying to pass ourselves off as ‘a normal family having dinner together’ and it’s more like a circus because the phone rings as soon as mom sits down. Then the 7-year old is negotiating with his mom how much broccoli he won’t eat and still get dessert, and mom is 5 feet away on the phone, and starts to walk around the corner but the cord’s too short. She’s plugging her ears and looks at us like she swallowed something foul. Then Sandy starts yelling “Why can’t you go into the other room, you have a PORTABLE PHONE!”. Tony is rolling his eyes and I am moving food around my plate so as not to make it obvious I can’t eat since I’d previously muched away on all those snacks. All this, while a violin symphony plunges into a silly, hearty rendition of ‘Can’t Buy Me Love’ on mom’s crappy CD. I think I had an out of body moment, right then and there, and was thinking to myself “How much longer can you endure this? Wasn’t moving in with the family supposed to be temporary? Am I going completely insane here?”.

Same day, different year..

Other posts on this day:

I’ve got to know!!

Yesterday mine thought it was cute to pee on my foot while we were in the shower.

Then he had the nerve to say “Honey, I’ve noticed lately you aren’t as bitchy as you used to be, like, in bed.”

WHAT??!

Anyone can top this? Tell me about it…use the Comment box below.

I’ve got to run…housecleaning to do and whatnot.

These are actual days posted for the month of August, I saw them on the Bluemountain.com greeting card site.  Weird.

08 Sneak Zucchini Day huh?
10 The King Week 11 Son’s & Daughter’s Day

12 Truck Drivers’ Week

hey, wait–isn’t it alredy The King Week?
13 Left-hander’s Day How come they only get one day?
15 Raksha Bandhan
18 Bad Poetry Day
21 Hawaii Day
21 Zoroastrian New Year what’s a Zoastrian?
22 Tooth Fairy Day Isn’t it Tooth Fairy Day when you put it under your pillow?
23 Ride the Wind Day and just how do you do that?
24 Sam Spade Day Isn’t Sam Spade a gumshoe?
25 Kiss & Make Up Day Okay, if this is Kiss & Make Up Day, when was Fight Day?
28 Race Your Mouse Day So, do you race against your pet mouse to see who wins, or is this a contest to see who’s the fastest ‘click-n-dragger’?

This morning I lie dreaming that I held a studly and well-ripped superhero captive in my shower and as I was kissing and rubbing him all over, my phone rang.

It was 7:45.

It was a bill collector. I couldn’t go back to sleep. Bitch.
When I told my boyfriend about the dream, he wanted to know just what was this figure wearing and where was I touching him.

I answered him, and he said “Oooh, I’m going to buy a Captain America suit for ya.”

*Sigh*

He’s so cute…but it just wouldn’t be the same.

Same day, different year..

Other posts on this day:

My Aussie friend Kath sent this to me…enjoy

1.) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2.) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3.) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4.) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5.) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6.) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7.) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8.) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9.) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10.) Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11.) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12.) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the fucking cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap

13.) Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14.) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15.) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill:

1) Wrap it in bacon.

How To Give a Cat a Pill – Kath Style

1) Shove pill up cat’s bum using pencil (eraser end – don’t want to be too cruel!) Cat will remember suppository, and opt for the oral medication next time.

Same day, different year..

Other posts on this day:

• Good God almighty, why does it have to be Monday??!! – 1999

Seems that is all the traffic I get.  Ever.  Horny ol’ pervies lookin’ for stuff I don’t have. 

Looks like my blog has been fucking all day

oh no…my computer is hakking. Could it be a hairball? Damn. I knew someday this would get me into trouble. I was trying to say HOCK a loogy. I still don’t know whether I spelled loogy OR its adjective correctly.

To heck with Sorry!, Outburst, and the home version of ‘Wheel of Fortune‘! Now there’s the cumshot game!. Some assembly required. Batteries not included.

God help me, I DON’T KNOW WHY.

Yes, we have no old cumshots. We have no old cumshots today.

I think someone was looking for a baby chair but for some reason came up with a little entry about one of my friends, BECAUSE THEY DON’T KNOW HOW TO SPELL! So this search was especially silly to me, since I think my friend Cheir is PLENTY to handle own her own…as a grownup. This world doesn’t need a miniature version of her crawling around, too.

Who the hell wears nail studded shirts, anyway?

didn’t you know my site was chock-full of shitty diapers?

Some bad news. My grandmother is in hospice as of Monday. She probably will not last to the end of the week, battling lung cancer and other complications. Since I may have to go to Duluth and very soon (this weekend, maybe),  It’ll be okay. It’s been months since everyone has known about her dying, now. Still though, she’s pulled through a lot of the time when we thought the worst was about to happen.

Well, I was really panicked at first ’cause earlier that day, right before it was time to close up at work, a family friend called to update me on Grandma’s condition.  I all but ran home to pack and get going but my mother called to talk to me and said that from the time I got the call up ’til then, things did change for the better and I ended up not going up anyway.

Mom said Grandma wasn’t “doing good” but they were just anxious to tell me I guess. I did say a couple things to Gram on the phone Tuesday night though. Probably for the last time, but that’s a good thing…I will always have good memories of her, plus she has her faith to keep her strong, so I know she’ll be okay, even in the end.

On a lighter note:
Well, the trip to St. Cloud was great. I got in really late last Thursday night, because the person I was traveling with had to work Friday. No biggie. I was ready to head home anyway. Plus we were exhausted and didn’t feel like staying for the awards dealie and speech after the last night’s dinner. I was kinda glad to be back.

The whole trip was alright in general ’cause everybody was nice but I don’t think I could do it next year. Maybe. Anyway, our destination was about an hour and a half away and when we arrived it started raining and pretty much rained the whole time I was there, it was very sticky but not too hot, though.

At the kickoff event on Tuesday night we went to the Paramount theater where the entertainment was great. Warren Nelson and the Blue Canvas Orchestra of Wisconsin/Minnesota fame, opened the show and The Blenders topped it off.

There were lots of people where we were staying. The next day I went exploring downtown and ended up doing some shopping and hanging around in coffee shops and bookstores while mom and her gang and the rest of the officials attending were in classes.

It was cool that night ’cause we went to a dinner and they had this big band type playing. The highlight of the night (NOT) was this: they hauled the ten Miss Minnesota candidates into the ballroom where we were all sitting, and had them introduce themselves and talking about their candidacy and their soft non-issue-laden platforms…what fun.  No world peace and saving the whales type of shit, but not my idea of dinner entertainment, either.

Did I make any personal progress? Well yes. I met a lot of people. Most of them involved in city and community work, so they little or no expertise in my line of business. I did pass my card out to some folks who asked who I was but was careful not to put them on the table I was working at, thereby advertising myself. I was there to promote Organization X, not myself. I did get five new members signed up for the group, and handed out lots of material to those who were curious but not ready to sign up yet.

Later that night all the booths went down and so did I, to the cash bar before hitting the last dinner, which was more of a formal affair. Didn’t get hooked up with some rich mama’s boy mayor or anything hot like that, so no nookie points, but all’s well that ends well, I s’pose.

Also, I just snatched up an at home net job, it is writing reviews for a very up-and-coming but nonetheless, live website for travelers, businesses, tourists, etc. and I am sure that it will be a challenge at first, because it is entirely different to what I’m doing right now to make a living, but I’m kinda excited to see how well I can do at this. Yeah.

How’d that happen? Well the other night I was just looking around at job websites and I saw two so far that seemed attractive. They were both no-pay jobs but I was willing to do them ’cause they small and quick projects that would add to my portfolio, which needs some fattening, I’ll admit. One was an offsite job where they wanted someone to design their graphic logo and re-do the HTML for the main page. Very easy. I looked at the other one after that only to find out that they are in India. Well that doesn’t make any difference if it’s offsite work.

Anyway before I got the offer yesterday, I posted replies to both of those two no pay ones and about seven others I thought I could handle.

I’ve got the debt repayment program working set up and working now, I can’t tell you what a blessing it is to be able to use it.

Well that’s all my news for now, since I’ve gotta get up at 5:30 to go walking, I should be hittin’ it…

Same day, different year..

Other posts on this day:

• the Queen of Finger Food – 2005

So far, tonite…

I’ve got my bags packed and I’m ready to leave town tomorrow night after work, out further west to St. Cloud to take some time off work and help out at a conference that I’ve been invited to do some work at.  A client that I do a website for has asked me to help work at the booth where their group is attending the conference. They need someone to work their table so the members of the organization can attend meetings and I’ll be glad to help out and perhaps toot my own horn, since I’ve got nothing better to do lately, LOL

Well I’m excited a little bit..it should be fun. They are paying my hotel fare and meals and giving me some money to work for them on Thursday during meetings and stuff. I got my business cards all ready to pick up tomorrow on my way out and everything. I’m getting a ride from an old friend so it’s cool.

Been busy lately, trying to get myself put back together. Trying to get more money under my belt by looking for more work, so far I got a PT evenings job hopefully lined up to start the week I get back and also gonna start a debt repayment program so things are looking up for me.

Can’t wait to be off work the rest of the week.

Hey, did I tell you this page has been all over the globe? Yup. From Wisconsin to New York to Cali, Canada and even to Sweden and Malaysia. Way freaky man, how small the world is.

Well, I’ve got to get to bed if I’m gonna be up extra early to finish some chores around the house before I go. I’m leaving right after work so I won’t be back ’til Friday or Saturday. Expect a big update this weekend.

Niteynite.

Recently, Marines in Iraq wrote to the Starbucks Coffee company because they wanted to let them know how much they liked their coffees and to request that they send some of it to the troops there.

Starbucks replied, telling the Marines thank you for their support in their business, but that Starbucks does not support the war, nor anyone in it and that they would not send the troops their brand of coffee.       So as not to offend Starbucks, we should not support them by buying any of their products. As a war vet writing to fellow patriots, I feel we should get this out in the open. I know this war might not be very popular with some folks, but that doesn’t mean we don’t support the men & women on the ground fighting street-to-street and house-to-house for what they and I believe is right.       If you feel the same as I do then pass this along, or you can discard it and no one will ever know.       Sgt Howard C. Wright 1st Force Recon Co

1st Plt PLT

*****Caribou has better coffee anyway*****

via James

Same day, different year..

Other posts on this day:

• Misc ‘net stuff & March Madness – 2001