The pre-party red carpet commentary from me is happenin’ right now before your very eyes. I decided to give my blow-by-blow this year via my blog because it’s a total waste to just be yelling at the TV in my sweats.
Sweats? Yes. I don’t do parties because people would kick me out if I did. I would have nothing nice to say and can’t bear to not say it.
E! Entertainment News has been covering the Red Carpet since 9 am (???) So I was all “OMG the Oscars are tonight!” Like E! I have been dressed to the shoes and walking around the house getting ready, as if I were hosting the Oscars at my dinky little St. Paul apartment. As if I’m expecting the whole entertainment world to come banging down my door at any moment, start marching around in gowns, waving their arms royally and saying “Who are you wearing?”. I turned the phone off at 6:30 CST and made one last trip to the corner store to stock up on whatever I need between now and tomorrow. I got frozen pizzas and they’re cooked up and there’s a pint of Ben & Jerry’s new Oatmeal Cookie Chunk & cinnamon-flavored ice cream waiting for me in the freezer.
Why do I get like this every freakin year??!! WHY GOD WHY??! I HATE Hollywood. I can’t stand almost any part of it but I have to watch this shit. Like I would die if I didn’t know what everyone was talking about tomorrow around the water cooler, ’cause I didn’t see it. I’ve already consumed half a container of nacho cheese dip with a bucket of corn chips. Yes…I’m such a loser. I dunno why but I have to watch the fucking Oscars every year.
Well, what else to do besides settle in, grab a cup o’ joe and read along. I gotchyer play by play right heeyah.
You’ll have to expand to see the rest babes…this is a long one! PS – I don’t post winners or nominees lists so you will have to go elsewhere for that…this is just shallow, fun, biting commentary.
Drew Barrymore looks as if she missed her fabu Beverly Hills hair salon appointment and wound up having to go see Lulu’s Hair Haven instead, with her red bouffant (how the hell yah spell that word I’ll never know). So anyway, she tells Star Jones she is “doing great, I just turned thirty!” then when Star asks her what is making her happy these days, Drew says her “family, and loved ones and friends,” so then Star says. “What you been up to lately?” and Drew replies how she thinks being 30 is great and she feels she is aging gracefully and gushes that she is happy and fulfilled which in Hollywood translates to “I’m up to nothing and I suck.”
Oprah comes up to Star and yells “Hey skinny!” and Star calls Oprah skinny and they start going into the whole ghetto-switchover from normal dialect, calling each other ‘girlfriend’ and all but rolling their necks and the two of them start saying some shit I can’t remember but it was classic fake bullshit. I’m just surprised as hell that Oprah even had time to talk to anyone, let alone attend this evening’s festivities. I mean, gee, between a) her TV show, b) bitchslapping/slave driving Dr. Phil around and c) having her head permanently up Maya Angelou’s ass, I can’t believe she found a lil’ free slice in her schedule! Speaking of Oprah, is this for real?? no waaayyy.
Annette Bening and Warren Beatty are talking to Star Jones and looking 100 years old. Annette makes me feel like she’s the female Rip Van Winkle. Guess it’s time to wake her up… cause it’s been five years since she has done anything. I guess she got a nomination for a role (albeit an old-lady role) up against Hil Swank, Kate Winslet, some other old lady and a young obscure Hispanic girl. Wow, what are the odds… didn’t this same thing happen back then too? Googling it…brb.
Yep! But more on that later…
A brunette and coked-up-looking Rene Zelweiger is being chatted up by the guy from ABC talking and her voice is as rasp as a weepy bitter fishwife’s. Forehead wrinkles and crows feet prominent as the day is long. She is a nervous wreck even though the ABC guy is all “So, no pressure tonight eh, just presenting?” To which she is keeping herself from rolling her eyes because we all know when you hear someone ask that question it means “So, you suck hardcore, because you are not up to a damn thing these days, are you?’
Oh look it’s a late Halloween for Mario Van Peeples and his dad (I think?), who’ve come dressed like pimps from the streets of Cleveland. WTF??!!
Gwyneth Paltrow looks like she’s been napping along with Annette for the last 8 years and is all waving at the camera like ‘come over here and talk to me’ yeah right, no one wants to talk to your sorry pale ass.
A practically manic Robin Williams appears on the screen briefly, just before a cut to commercial. I glance around for the remote in case I need to get it ready. After commercial I almost cheer! They didn’t put him on! Thank God the ABC host’s camera guy simply panned over him, rather than having the host chat him up.
In between commercials theyare playing “Memorable past Oscarmoments” bits. Gawd I wish theywould quit playing that one of HalleBerry fucking bawling through her”I broke the door down for women of color” speech!
What’s the deal with having Shrek & Charlie Chaplin walking into the sunset? So you can superimpose shit on film, big deal.
The show is starting…
I am looking forward to seeing how Chris Rock does. Should be interesting. Wtf??! right away he goes into the black nominees thing. Shut up. OK now he is sort of getting funny, he just said, “Michael Moore shoulda done Supersize Me, instead of Farenheit 9/11 he’s sure as hell already done the research for it.”
I’m kinda not missing Billy Crystal this year…I dunno why I guess the only thing I miss about Billy Crystal not being on would be the whole song-and-dance broadway production along with the 10-minute movie montage wherein he makes fun of the movies. I also guess I just like the idea of Chris Rock’s totally less-than-sensitive ass being up there knocking all these prim and proper muthas out. Theres an occasional collective ‘gasp’ from the audience as he goes on about the Source Awards having been more like a gun show, and then the camera goes right over to none other than Sean “P. Diddy” Combs. Ha ha. TV kills me.
Who knew Beyonce could sing in French? I was in the other room so I’m a bit pissed that I missed most of this.
Oh fuck me. They put Robin Williams on. Can. You. Just. Present. The. Fuckin. Award. Please. Fuckfuckfuck. The man thinks he is some sort of one man performance art troupe or something because every fucking time I see him on TV and he’s given a second to speak he takes an hour, which wouldn’t be all that bad if he didn’t insist on a complete run through of all his personalities, making Sally Fields’ “Sybil” look completely normal. Lay off the speed, and let someone else talk for a sec, babe.
What the hell happened to Pierce Brosnan’s voice? Sounds like he swallowed a bucket of road gravel.
Why oh why do they have to show us all these technical awards even though we care not?
“Hotel Rwanda, The story of a heroic man’s triumph….” over…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZ ZZ ZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZz wake me when this shit is over.
Cate Blanchett played a half decent Kate Hepburn…I’m gonna have to see this goddamned movie now. Fuck.
Natalie Portman will not surprise me if she wins.
Looks like she didn’t…Ah well. On to the next thing…YAY for commercials.
Johnny Carson was great. Missing him lots…course I’ve been missing him since 1992. I remember him being so funny and at the same time sarcastic but not rude. I hated when Whoopi Goldberg did it. She was always pissing someone off…which can be okay I guess but take it easy sometimes eh? Who is your favorite Oscars host? I fondly recall back when Who Wants To Be A Millionaire was the top TV show. I can’t remember if it was Billy Crystal or whoever hosting that year, but they started out by saying “Welcome to the XXth Annual Academy Awards, or what ABC likes to call Regis’s Night Off”.
In case you didn’t notice already they tried to cut out a huge chunk of time in the show which was usually spent waiting for people to drag their asses to the stage and talking all night. Seems they are putting nominees for many awards on the stage, and as they are being called out they stand there looking dumb until the winner is announced. I’m not sure if they are trying to hike ratings by keeping things moving quickly, or if something else is happening here.
Oh, great! Counting Crows is singing. WTF?? Adam Duritz looks like Kevin James and Kid from Kid N Play had a boy who grew up to be a spaz in a blue suit with Krusty’s Sideshow Bob-sized dreadlocks!
OK now it’s time to pan the camera over the token geriatric attendees…Mickey Rooney, some other old chick, blah blah…wait. Go back. Wow, is Mickey Rooney still alive??! Oh that’s right, he just did that butt-exposing ad that got banned from TV. And speaking of old peopl…what is with this guy from the Academy, he’s all, “I’ll keep this brief,” yeah, cause you’re half dead and can’t afford to waste another second, so get to it! The guy looks like 20 years older now that he shaved off his beard since last year.
Al Pacino is Mr. Facelift poster boy. He looks like an old Andy Garcia. What a shame.
Gosh, it’s only been 2 hours and it seems nearly done?? I’m thinking the speed at which the ceremony is going means they are rushing through it because something more important is going to happen. Like the parties or something. Then again I forget this is the last working day for most of these yahoos. I mean, don’t lots of famous stars party for days on end after the Oscars, then go to fancy resorts until next September, basically sitting on their asses ’til they have another gig in the fall?
I will give the show’s producers a high five for thinking of the men at home watching TV. Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek both presenting for a technical award, and the combination of the two actress’s sexy accents and the fact that their cleavages were nearly dumping out of their dresses, will surely not let anyone forget all the winners for Acheivement in Sound and Sound Editing. And yes, old farty sound guy Oscar winner, these ARE TECHNICAL AWARDS! He’s all “These are not technical awards, people, they are important artistic awards.”
Carlos Santana and this singing guy are great, but don’t let me get started on The Motorcycle Diaries. OK. Um. What else should I talk about…okay lemme just say this one thing about it. Che Guevera should have just stayed on his goddamned motorcycle and kept his yap shut.
YAY! Commercial break!
This portion of day lee’s Oscars 2005 blog brought to you by…“Health Insurane Hut”. I highly recommend that if you need some Health Insurane, you ought to go over to Health Insurane Hut and read all about it. They must got some mighty fine Health Insurane over there, go git you some today. Talk about spamming the search engines.
OOOH OOH the documentary awards! I never wanted a potty break so bad in my entire life.
“Hardwood – the triumph of a black man’s basetball blah blah blah… Sister Rose’s Passion, In a world…where…a nun triumphs over the human spirit, laying the groundwork and inspiration of the …blah blah…Some weird-u-mentary about THE TRIUMPH of mentally retarded people OOOPS developmentally specially abled”…zz zzzzzzzzz zzzz zzzz z zzzzzzzzzz zzz zzzzzz z z zzzz zzzzzz zzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzz zzzzz zzzzzz zzzzz zzzz z zzzzzzzzzzz zzzzz wake me when this shits over, man.
OK, Prince just announced the Oscar for best original song and this guy comes out and starts singing Spanish to the audience and he’s doing it as if to address only the Hispanic people in the audience. Antonio Banderas and Carlos Santana are put on the camera briefly and they’re like “Oh yeah, I know what he’s saying! How exclusive and cool that only we know what he’s saying!”
Sean Penn is a jackass. Getting testy because someone didn’t know who Jude Law was. Well my mom doesn’t know what Jude Law is. So what? It’s not like the difference between not knowing your ass from a whole in the ground! I mean, Jude Law, when you think of it, is not important in the grand scheme of Hollywood, or in the grand scheme of humankind, in general. So get over it Sean.
Hilary Swank’s all, “Oh dear me, I’m just a girl from a trailer park…” wtf??! Also she wants say how honored she is to be in the same category as Annette and Chica #3 and Old Lady #2 and Kate Winslet. OK let’s not kiss ass here Hil. You are not awe-inspired by these chicks, as you say. You’re just trying really hard to make sure you don’t offend.
Annette Benning’s Oscar clip is hilarious! With a British accent she sounds like Christine Baranski trying to read Shakespeare after 20 martinis. Uff da.
Uggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh is it oooooooovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvverrrrrrrrr yet????
They dragged Julia Roberts’ sorry ass out here now for what? zzzzzzzzzzzz z z z zz zzzz she cannot read worth a damn.
How come Scorcese hasn’t won something for his big big important fillum??! Guess it’s not happenin’ tonight, Marty boy. Did you know that production of The Aviator got put on hold for like a year because some of the documentation was lost in the SoCal wildfires? Some lil’ trivia I picked up from E! Why is this lady in the audience bawling??! Seems the mere mention of Clint Eastwood and this Million Dollar Baby movie is bringin’ the excitement tonight. Gawd if that is the case then Hollywood’s gettin’ bo-ring! Not that I think it’s a sucky movie…I can’t say I haven’t seen it yet but I’m saying there have got to be more exciting movies than just one that the audience is going apeshit over. Is Clint Eastwood dying or somethin’? Everyone is acting like he is. He is not that old…75 and looks very good!
Post Award Party Crap, Gossip, Word Vomit, Etc.
Rosario Dawson?? Why the fuck is she being interviewed by the E! people? And why does she look like a meth addict? She is talking 100 miles a minute. Good Gawd girl. Go home and clean house, don’t waste all that unbridled energy on a celeb party. You’ll never get another gig actin’ like that.
I need to go to bed soon so I can’t guarantee much more from here on out.
Favorite Quotes:
This portion of day lee’s Oscars 2005 blog brought to you by… The “Help Charlize Theron Find Her Eyebrows” Foundation
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“They gave that guy his award on stage, man! What’s up with that?! Next year they gonna be giving out the awards in the parkin’ lot!” -Chris Rock
“There’s no genitals on it [her Oscar statuette], which kinda freaks me out!” -Cate Blanchett
“They gave that guy his award on stage, man! What’s up with that?! Next year they gonna be givin’ out the awards in the parkin’ lot!” -Chris Rock
Favorite Moments:
When they brought out “Dusty” Dustin Hoffman and Babs “Papa can you hear me…even though I’m washed uuuuup?” Streisand out. They’re presenting best picture and Babs is all fiesty, grabbing the envelope from Dustin. She’s all ‘gimme that!’ To which Dustin rolls his eyes, and he’s going ‘Okay, ok, touchy touchy’. *Gasp*
No! Annette Bening loses against Hilary Swank, AGAIN. Flashback to five years ago. Same deal, Hil wins for Boys Don’t Cry against Annette’s role in American Beauty. Annette honey, you’re gonna have to take a valium tonight sweety. You just ain’t it.
Donatella Versace looking like death warmed over, but fresh off the tanning bed. E! reporter lady: “How are you enjoying yourself at the festivities Donatella?” Donatella: “GEDDOUT! I juss smoke seegadettes and loohk goohd.”
Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey get on camera (now that everyone has gone to bed). Big surprise there. What is weird is Pa & Ma Simpson aren’t each handcuffed to Jessica, course now that Asslee is their big star they’re too busy with her. Nick looks as though he’d do much better somewhere else, seriously, he looks like one of of those ads from back in the day where they have thought balloons floating over people and it says “I’d rather be playing Scrabble”.
Now I’m really going to bed ’cause here comes Oprah lookin’ drunk and redeyed and I do not want Oprah to be in my last thoughts before bed.
Those were the highlights. Swear to GAWD. What a sucky show this year.
Besides the fact that Chris Rock hosted.
YAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNn. Sucky sucky waste of 3.25 hours of my Sunday.
Same day, different year..
Other posts on this day:
- weird searches & celebrity gossip – 2001
Then I thought…Goshdammit I’m such a prude.
