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has two penises
No, I don’t. I have none, actually, being that I’m an anatomically full fledged female. But there’s this guy I wrote about back a few years ago, that does.

+divorcing crack addict
There are no crack addicts here, divorced and otherwise. I did do an entry about Fantasy headlines for 2006, wherein I foresaw Michael Jackson’s marriage to a crack-addicted Macauley Culkin but apparently someone was looking for advice on how to divorce a crack addict though. I’m guessing it would be easy. Why doncha just take away Tyrone’s crack? Done like dinner.

annette benning academy
The Annette Benning Academy of Acting: We teach you how to get nominated for Oscars and
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This entry was posted on Sunday, November 6th, 2005 at 1:40 am and is filed under

All Your Stupid Searches Are Belong To Us, World Wide Wack. You can follow responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your site.

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People always ask me where I got the nickname ‘BJ’.

Well, first off, my folks wanted a million kids, their firstborn–they wanted badly–to be a son. My dad, who was an orphan, was named ‘William’ before he got adopted by a foster family. I don’t know why they renamed him but he wound up being called Robert instead of ‘William’. So then Dad’s name became Robert and naturally the first kid was going to be named ‘William Robert’ because ‘William’ was really Dad’s name but ‘Robert’ was his new name so they wanted to incorporate them somehow, and pass it on. When my grandmother on my mother’s side got wind of this, she said, “You name that kid ‘William Robert’, and I’m sure as hell gonna call him ‘Billy Bob’!” Well, mom wasn’t so keen on that (being a Northerner) so she and dad decided the firstborn would be called ‘Robert William’ instead.

Although I turned out to be a girl through and through, I got stuck with my folks naming plan anyway. So the name on my birth certificate is Roberta Joanne. Everyone knows “Roberta” is the female version of the name ‘Robert’. And what do “Roberts” usually get nick-named? “Bobby”. Only mine is spelled with an ‘i’, making it “Bobbi”. Joanne, being my middle name, becomes shortened to “Jo”. So my birth name converts into the name I prefer to be called, which is “Bobbi Jo”, and thusly, “BJ”.

For years I got called BJ sometimes by my parents, who thought not only was it short, but cute. When I was six, a TV show came out called, “BJ And The Bear” and the lead character was called “BJ McKay” and so that is when it really stuck and everyone started calling me that.

Same day, different year..

Other posts on this day:

• I AM back. I really AM! – 2005

From the “What the …?” Dept.: 

A razor blade-encapsuled in glycerin soap. Must be the height of goth glamor? But then again I consider myself fairly normal, so what do I know about it?

I can’t even begin to understand the reasoning behind this product. Perhaps it’s for the gal who has everything. But the razor is stuck in the middle of a thick soap, so more than likely this is for the gal who says, “I’m gonna kill myself. Eventually. Just not today.” Wonder how many showers does it take to get the middle?

This sick product comes to us from on the web store belonging to the wonderful people at Feto Soap, an already sick and twisted company which is famous for manufacturing soaps that have replicas of fetuses inside. So I guess the razor soap was eventual. I’m very sure I do not want to see what is next from these people.

Now that’s the kind of business we should want our future generations to aspire to! I can imagine a company representative doing a presentation for Junior Acheivement, where all the little girls in the room want to make soaps that contain pornstar silouhettes and punk-gear-wearing fetuses.

Same day, different year..

Other posts on this day:

• I did it all for the nookie – 2005

Hey Fred! Tony Soprano wants his expression back.

And the hairy gorilla belly.

And the 2 dollar Jersey whore.

More info here…

Same day, different year..

Other posts on this day:

• Now I’ve seen everyfreakingthing – 2005

Ahh jeez…I thought I was a huge Sanrio fan, but this is kinda pushing the envelope, doncha think?

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 3rd, 2005 at 6:29 pm and is filed under xX-Everything Else-Xx. You can follow responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your site.

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It’s A Scary Thing

For those of you wanting to be clever at Halloween but out of ideas, here is a Martha Stewart mask that you can print and cut out, courtesy of Forbes magazine.

Did I do thaaat??
Oh Urkel…you and every other nerd have been trying to get into my pants since Junior High. When will Johnny Depp or Ed Burns ever wanna take a stab? Wake me then!

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Seen any of the Kerry-Edwards Gear Junk available on the website?

I want one of these…A Gay Military Dog Tag. If that’s not a total oxymoron, I dunno what is. It’s understood that you Feminazis don’t like being grouped in with the GLBTs, so the Kerry-Edwards Gear people offer up a version for you, ’cause nothin’ says ‘dyke’ like a butch chick on a dog tag. If you don’t want one of those, there’s lots more other kewl stuff! For the poker party pagan there is a cool Deck of Cards featuring “Two Jokers” (Bush and Cheney). Those drunk Dems who don’t remember last night’s bender (hey, Ted!) can at least have a commemorative Shot Glass to cherish, and the elderly set’s aches and pains will surely be relieved with the help of the Kerry-Edwards Pill Case. Want to start some good ol’ road rage? Come & get a Car Window Flag. Our Hispanic neighbors tunnel-crawling Mexican illegals will surely appreciate John Fonda Kerry’s compassion for their culture when they see the “Unidos Con Kerry” (United With Kerry) bumper stickers although the chances of seeing one of these on a car are slim (united, sure…but don’t these guys all take the same bus usually?). Last, but certainly not LEAST, our thug pals and kommon kriminals can always use a new Ski Cap! And here it is, in all it’s knitted gangsta glory.

Kerry Criminal Supporter

cap closeup

Same day, different year..

Other posts on this day:

• Sunday, Bloody Sunday – 1999

This morning I awake as normal, hitting the snooze alarm for the very last time. I turn over onto my side, blinking and yawning. As I begin to stretch my arms I notice something on my arm….EWWW! A bug! Nope. Not a bug. Some kind of black mark or stain…what the…?

Oh christ on a cracker.

My groom has inked a flaming heart with his name underneath, onto my bicep, in lovely, semi-permanent black pen ink.

Silly fucker. I can’t fall asleep on the couch safely anymore.

Oi vey. I gotta get him something to do.

His days off work are Wednesdays and Thursdays, so meanwhile I bust my hump all damned day and usually he does next to nothing while I’m gone.

Tonight I come home to find him near comatose, lying in a heap on the couch (I give him points today though, as he is fully dressed and appears to have bathed).

I sit down next to him and look at him wearily. After complaining to him about his not-so-clever attempt at a phony tattoo, he laughs heartily and nuzzles my neck, then looks up with his puppy dog “will you forgive me?” pout. Before I can even acknowledge this look, he turns to me with a smirk on his face and says, “So are you gonna make some spaghetti or gimme a blowjob?”

Well I never! I could only laugh at his silly ass, ’cause he knows better. In fact he raised a hand protectively near his face ’cause he KNEW he was cruisin’ for a bruisin’!

I love my hunny bunny.

Same day, different year..

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Tuesday. Election day. Whoop-dee-frickin’ doo.

Now I know why I pay nearly four bucks to have Caribou give me my coffee in the morning. I just made a huge mess in the breakroom at work this morning, trying to make a pot of my own. I hate waiting for the whole pot to brew (who doesn’t?) and wanted a cup right away. Since I knew the pot warmer would be cooled off, I set my mug on it and started to brew the batch while I went looking for sugar substitute and stuff to put into my cup. Horrific mistake. Pot brewed at amazing rate and there was coffee everywhere. Great.

Gotta get going. Polls are open and mom and I are off to vote.

More later. Promise. Threat.

Same day, different year..

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James was in the hospital again this morning. It’s the 3rd time in six months. Turns out all the pain he’s been having was indeed a gallstone. Jesus. Not only did they find this out via an ultra sound test, they were supposed to have done an ultra sound test the last two times he was in there. I cannot for the life of me, recall why they did not perform the test at one of those earlier vists. Anyway, he’s home and feeling okay, was given RX for the pain and told to schedule an appointment for the removal surgery ASAP. The man has no insurance. Thankfully, he no longer works the frightfully long hours at the car dealership he hated so badly, and is now happily waiting tables at a nice bar & grill closer to home. Be that as it may, he doesn’t qualify for the health plan since he’s under the PT schedule but is planning to call Blue Cross Blue Shield or some other place for some plan info. I felt totally useless today because I didn’t find out he was at the hospital until later today and really had no way of getting there.

All this on top of: -Us needing to move out together ASAP because our situations are both killing us (he hates living at home and so do I) -Getting on with our business plans and getting it off the ground (he has been doing this in his spare time, luckily)

-Me actually thinking outloud yesterday to my sis that I wanted to “start planning the wedding”.

What a joke.

Ugh. Well now I really need to be getting to bed, I have to just go glance at the bus schedule and get my clothes laid out for tomorrow. Bigger update later.

Same day, different year..

Other posts on this day:

• what the hell is a weblog? – 2001