Bad: You find a porn movie in your son’s room. Worse: You’re in it. Bad: Your husband’s a crossdresser. Worse: He looks better than you. Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She’s a lawyer. Bad: Your wife’s leaving you. Worse: For another woman. Bad: Your wife’s arrested for soliciting. Worse: She implicates you. Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You’re arrested. Worse: By your husband. Good: The teacher thinks your son’s great. Bad: In bed. Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in. Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter’s the headliner. Good: Your boyfriend’s exercising. Bad: So he’ll fit in your clothes. Good: Your daughter’s on the Pill. Bad: She’s eleven. Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.
I’ve got a good excuse. I have been quite busy.
I always say that…I’m such a liar.
Spent all day out and about yesterday with a friend. We went looking for garage sales and then hit Grand Avenue and spent hours poring through antique shops. We were kind of excited to find one particular store called “American Junk”. It was really not all that junky. So we were a bit disappointed. It was truly American, howsomever.
I didn’t buy anything at the antique sales but I found a compact flourescent bulb (the ones that are supposed to last you five years) at one of the garage sales ($2) pretty good considering they are about $10-12 each retail. Then I got a really cool book called “The Encyclopedia of Bad Taste” and I’m loving it. My feet hurt now from all the walking. That’s what I get for wearing sandals instead of sneakers! We stopped for something to eat about 4:30 and if you are ever in the area, you have to go over to Snuffy’s Malt Shop. It’s soooo worth it.
Then we went to the park to relax. The zoo was closed anyway…mostly people were just cooking out and tossing baseballs around and stuff.
The weather forecast said it was supposed to get up to eighty-five but it wasn’t too hot yesterday…I was actually kind of enjoying it.
Friday afternoon I went over to Arby’s to get a diet coke not because I really wanted it but I just needed change for the bus but I figured it’s pretty pathetic to try and ask for change when most likely they want you to make a purchase. Anyway…I was kind of annoyed to find that the person waiting on me was more concerned about her cell phone than her customers. When I heard it ring I wasn’t sure if it was a funky new french fryer alarm or whatever but then she all but ran to the back and didn’t even excuse herself. Then it was obvious that she was on the phone. Ugh. That just chaps my hide. I remember wishing really hard that I could make myself do something really awful just to get even with her. Like vomit on the counter and all over her cash register. But alas, I am not gifted with the ability to vomit on command. Dammit. I know a guy who can fart that way. Some people are just so blessed.
Then that evening as I’m coming home from work I had to avoid a parade. I forgot the town I live in had its summer festivities this weekend. Well whatever, I didn’t participate in them. Later on I spent some time with the new boy. (I really had a good time, by the way, if you’re reading this. Feel what I’m feeling PS – when you gonna come over & DANCE with me?)
Today I am going to relax. I slept in and drank two french vanilla capuccinos and now I’m getting ready to go over to my friend’s house, the one who lives in Woodbury. She’s moving to NYC in a week so we agreed to get together. Plus she’s most likely going to unload some stuff onto me that she doesn’t want anymore. I can deal.
I’m already thinking of turning into the new neighboorhood Salvation Army Thrift store, since my sis did the same thing to me earlier this year when she moved.
At least I have a good excuse to visit NYC now…I’ve always really wanted to but at least now I’ve got three friends living there…she can get me $200 round trip tickets so it’s all good.
Linkage
When the wind blows the wrong way… now I’ve seen everyfuckingthing
I was in Yahoo chat the other night and this link was posted. That is my chat handle, btw. Anyhoo. It’s nice to know someone cares enough to show their adoration.
Are you a fan of HBO’s “OZ”? So much so, that you’re dying to know what your prison bitch name might possibly be? Why don’t you go find out. Mine is ‘The Jacker’ by the way. Um. Whatever that could possibly mean.
On an ending note, my Book list has been updated (very interesting to you, I’m sure) and also here is the end-all be-all of dating guides. My gift to you, ladies. PURELY ENTERTAINMENT, people! Keep this in mind. Problems with it? I don’t want to hear about it.
If you missed lesson #1, it is available here. Now go away.
My first impression after using it, I don’t think I like eBay. I tried to buy a limited edition videotape for children and was very disappointed to find myself outbidded by someone who was willing to pay $96 for it. I drew the line at $60. I love my 5 year old nephew dearly but god help me, I have spent thousands on the runt at umpteen birthdays/christmases/what-have-you, only to cringe because he is wrecking the toys, standing on them or is out in the yard collecting sticks and bugs. When he’s not playing he’s hanging around his poor mother’s ankles, complaining of sheer boredom. So no. Ahem. Anyway…off my soapbox.
I’m extremely lazy tonight. Someone I was chatting with online asked me if I could write your own job description, start your own business, what would it be?
If I could write my own job description? Hmmmm…tempting indeed. Let’s
see…
-Go to the library. Be loud. Hog the card catalogue or computer when there is a line and ignore everyone waiting. Check out 40 books and not be given a due date.
-Prank call my former manager every day at 11 am and hang up, a-la Bart Simpson and Moe at Moe’s Tavern.
-Read.
-Go on a road trip with an unlimited amount of gas and with good friends.
-Go out dancing and karaoke-clubbing and have the balls to actually get up there and do it for once.
-Read.
-Be a jet setter and take off for a different place every week. Rub elbows with the rich and notorious, and talk shit about them behind their back.
-Get paid to make an ass of myself on a stage.
-Read.
-Talk on the phone constantly.
-Write incredibly crazy things on my website but still receive rave reviews and thousands of readers and page hits.
-Go grocery shopping at midnight (thanks to 24-hour chains).
-Read.
-Flirt with people on the net (wait…I already do that) Change to flirt MORE with people on the net.
-Skip housework and, listen to my entire cd collection while eating Ben & Jerry’s and bossing around a maid.
-Read.
-Watch movies and write horribly rude reviews about them.
-Cuddle up on the couch with a great guy or better yet, convince him to go on a camping trip or go walking in the park after dark.
-Then stay up until three a.m. talking all night about nothing and everything and connect on an immense level with each other and finally fall in love (or all over again).
-Have mind blowing sex until 8am and get paid overtime for it.
-Sleep in until 10 every morning and start all over again.
Later, taters…
Why do women feel the urge to sometimes want to go eat a whole pail of ice cream when we’re upset at the opposite sex? Simple. Because ice cream doesn’t ignore us, it doesn’t do stupid things. It doesn’t mock us, and it most certainly doesn’t dissapoint. And even if it did, it wouldn’t come up with several lame excuses all rolled into one huge pathetic and feeble speech about how sorry it is. erm…anyway, that’s enough of that. Put the ice cream away girls…today’s topic, (obviously) is men who screw up. Apology is a sincere and somber bequeath to someone to let them know you have some remorse for what you’ve done and ask to make ammends and be forgiven. Its whole purpose is that. It should be forthright in approach, and humbling to the person making it…a retraction of something you have done wrong. Not the uneasy and whiny prattle of your guy, who, not unlike a 7 year old boy, just has a conveniently sorry excuse to try to avoid an ass-chewing, with an obvious tone of ‘I’ve been caught! that’s what I’m sorry about’. Tell it to your mother. Bet your ass she wouldn’t let you get by with that. If I could find a man who loves his mother to pieces then that is the man for me, because no man who honors and respects the woman who raised him, the sole most important female authority of his childhood, would have the gall (one would expect) to pull some sorry shit on his girl, like most men have, and do. It has been my experience, that at least hindsight is 20/20. After getting involved with guys, I can always figure out which ones have issues with their mothers or which ones disrespect them, by the way they treat their females. And remember that when men screw up and a girl brings up that screw up, he’s not likely to get annoyed because it was his fault. When you get that feeble line of crap, where he’s laying on that shit about being stupid and sorry and emotionally unpredictable when he screwed up, then is the time to really dig deep and consider whether you should really be investing time in the relationship. If you have a low tolerance for screwups who suckup, or even if you don’t and he has done it more than twice or three times, then by all means, read the next paragraph. When dealing with such things as a man who has screwed up, don’t go overboard when trying to rationalize it all. Even if it means you’ve already had a rough beginning and you feel as though no one understands that you really like the guy. If it bothers you that you feel like you’re letting a good guy who just made a dumb mistake slip by and if you thought that there is any potential in sticking with him, go ahead and validate that feeling. HOWEVER–while you would do ALMOST anything it took to see him again and keep him interested in you, you’re not going to the ends of the mental illness earth for him. “Honey I love you even though you’re wearing a straightjacket” is not something you’d want to imagine saying to him, sometime down along the road. You gotta admit that it would be fun to have a pet human, as it were, but well you don’t want it get to that stage where you’re telling him “I don’t think you need a frontal labotomy dear.. but if you really want one I’ll get you one for Christmas”. Got a guy screwing up on you and you want to get his ego to a level you like? Some fun and simple ways to get started: Casually pop in questions like: “Do you have a drug problem?” and if he goes.. ‘no.. why?’ just say, “…oh, nothing.. forget it.” If he says he is stupid.. agree completely. But then add comiseration as an afterthought. Like when he says, “I feel so stupid.”, Instead of saying, “No, you’re not stupid”, say “Everyone does stupid things.” “But don’t worry. Brains aren’t everything.”
Stay tuned for more…can you wait?
My StorTrooper
font size=”+1″>Updates/font size> >
IM emotes page updated.
new photos uploaded (even more to come soon, too) fingernails bitten off and too many cigarettes smoked in frustration because I just endured a long and bitter Friday evening. More on that later.
font size=”+1″>and in other news…
Timothy McVeigh doesn’t want to die.
It looks like the Devils will lose game 7
Jennifer Capriotti won the French Open
Dave Winfield is in the Baseball League Hall of Fame at Coopersville.
…and I’m lonely.
And getting buggered alive by horny Yahooligans, with usernames such as: OrallyGifted2001 and loves_bbws. ugh. I am not a BBW. Yes, I’m a big girl, yes I’m beautiful and yes I’m a woman. But typically when one looks for BBW’s on the internet, they are lead to sites full of grotesquely obese women (you know the kind, they have legs as big as coffee table and they’re lying there or propped up rather…naked, but you CAN’T SEE ANYTHING) and I’m sorry, as interesting and beautiful as I think the human body is, no matter what shape and size, THAT is disgusting and god help me if I ever got to be like that I have friends who promise to kill me if I do. I won’t.
Ah, but what’s new? nothing, and not by a landslide.
So anyhoo…it’ll be a long, boring and frightfully dull summer for me. and I won’t even be able to avoid my mother calling me, all throughout it. She has a cell phone now, too and has my number in speed dial. Oh joy. I think I’m either going to go start a crack habit or else consider hybernating for the season.
Wednesday I was on cloud nine, job going good, hanging out with friends, had money to spend, was well-rested, playful and had a song in my heart. Thursday went equally as well all day, then I went to a barbeque with some people from work. Was tempted to get knackered but kept myself in check because who wants their co-workers, ten years from now, giving you shit about your inability to hold your liquor? Found a new friendship with a co-worker, the one who drove me home, the same girl who invited me over for dinner a couple of weeks ago. I think she’s suffering from ‘the guy from Swingers’ syndrome. See, she is still coping with a 2-1/2 year relationship that has been over for some time now. I could never sit on something like that for that long. Just couldn’t. I tend to move on, and quickly. I told her we have to get her a man. Ha ha. Look at me. I don’t even have one of my own yet.
Time to go to the mini mart and get some cigarettes, come back home, order a pizza and commence hybernation, after doing some crack.
I have been a faithful visitor to www.htmlgoodies.com since back in ’98 when I first got a computer, hooked up to a modem and was surfing away. Back when MP3’s were just things people whispered about and traded under the table. Back when theglobe.com was the bomb and I was sitting high in K-Swiss Chatroom heaven wondering what the hell an LOL or a B meant. Back when HTML still
baffled me.
All I wanted was to learn it and get my own little corner of the world up and running so that I could share it with others. It never ceased to chap my hide when I saw these gorgeous, amazing, eye-popping webpages created by 20 year olds, complete with very bad grammar and spelling and a whole shitload of other stuff, equaling a page full of nothing special. What I didn’t know was, these dorks had used AOL press or Fortune City page creators and I didn’t know this until I learned how to read their source codes. I read them and copied them and tried dillegently to learn the code. That was until I ran into www.htmlgoodies.com Joe Burns taught me almost all I know, and the rest I learned myself, from looking at code and stuff. I was determined to have an amazing website like those punk kids, but I know how to spell and whatnot. I knew content was of the utmost importance and had alot of it in me. I was bound and determined to learn these web programming languages and I’ve come a long way. Anyway, enough about me. Here’s Joe and his regular newsletter, HTML Goodies-To-Go (skip it if you are a subscriber but don’t pass it by if you are a surfer…He’s funny as hell and has great insight on all the glory to
behold, of our wonderful world wide web):
A foundation of Save The Bitches has now dedicated their entire last quarter to a recent and growing program, called the Crimson Tide Relief Fund. Please, please, take just one moment out of your testosterone-and-grain-alcohol-filled day to help NOW. Save The Bitches Crimson Tide Relief Fund is in its 5th year and has gained notoriety on its promises to help those in need. To pledge your monetary gift, please mail your check or money order to to CTRF to the address on the home page,
For credit card pledges, call toll free 888-CTRF-NOW, or visit our website at www.shut-the-fuck-up-and-handmetheremote-andaboxofchocolates-you-ungratefulbastard.com/CTRF.
It’s THAT easy. With just $0.18 a day, you can help a person do great things. Your contribution will help to buy feminine products, tequila, Self-help books, padded bras, and even in some cases, plastic surgery and electro shock therapy. Please help now. Back to our regularly scheduled program.
God I’m always broke…what am I doing online pilfering away my time, and for free? I might have to take a cue from this guy who IM-ed me earlier today, all “Whaddu, yo,” and tryin to pick me up over the net. I go to look at his profile and he’s all fucking whiteboy hell in a hat box, except he thinks he’s a hip hop dude or something. His personal quote is “If it don’t make dollers it don’t make cents” of course this guy’s quote is right on the money, however the spelling’s off. Twice. Also, bonus idiot points: the posing ‘pimp’ photos and the one with him holding a newborn baby (his??) while sticking out his tongue barbells for all to see (awww, Dad, you were so crazy back then…!) in his Yahoo briefcase are the kind to make me cringe…not just because it’s idiotic, but because um..well this is the kind of trash I attract DAILY. AND SOMETIMES WHILE I’M AT WORK, yes this bastard beeped me at work, I had my IM on, ’cause I was waiting for a friend of mine to come on and chat w/me about an upcoming thingo we have happening soon. (PS –I know, I know, I’m suuuuch a bitch for posting this kind of abuse, especially on such an young, innocent (er..maybe?) and unknowing party but wtf?! haha…besides, Yahoo Profile page trackable anyway. YET. More power to me). PPS – another fine quote from this young man: “Ignorance is a mirror of someone trying
to prove there self”
Uhh. no. Ignorance is posting a quote that makes even Jack Handey want to hide under the covers, along with his Deep Thoughts.
On why I enjoy being a girl chatting with my girl friends is fun…and funny too. Especially when we have our moments. Last night I was catching up with a friend and we were just discussing the wonders of Mother Nature’s wrath on ‘us girls’ every month. Kinda graphic but still…
it was pretty silly.
her: I just got into my period so Im all disoriented, I told one of my coworkers not to bother coming to the office today because I wasn’t working due to cramps.. he just laughed and was like ok..? and I was like are you afraid.. and he’s like yeah a little me: omg that is funny…haha I am on mine too so that’s why I’m all mental lol…why do we get so fuckin mental on the monthly? fuck. me: I get like, psycho bitch crazy her: hormones me: don’t know whether to wind my butt or scratch my watch lol her: your body is adjusting me: duu-uhh…I know I know her: it throws us off her: then the pain part of the lining shedding her: uterus contracting me: yeah yeah her: etc etc 🙂 me: ms health teacher, lol me: Then Ms health teacher says “…and then there’s masturbating…which is really a normal and healthy thing…” lol me: LOL. You playin’ ms health teacher? me: just get me a fuckin truck load of midol and a pallet of tampax and some diet coke and get on outta here lol… oh and a heating pad! her: personally it feels like someone rams a double bladed hunting knife into my uterus, hooks onto my spinal cord and twists until my uterus is about to turn itself inside out and I can’t barely walk without pain in my thighs and upper legs, lower back me: ouchie ouchie…that’s pretty damned graphic chic her: diet coke…yay! but during my period I do not drink it me: lol me too, but too much caffiene makes you bloat all the fuck over her: seriously .. caffeine will intensify your cramps her: and bring them on as well me: then you have to get Jerry Springer to haul your arse outta your house with a crane coz your so fat from the bloating, lol her: LMAO me: ugh …can’t…move off…of the bed me: lol her: thats me when I have cramps like the above described. just rocking back and forth thinking “I’m so going to die.. I’m gonna die.. and never have kids and this period shit will all be for nothing because Im going to die now…” her: haha me: jesus me too me: just put me in a damned pine box and get it over with her: Premsyn S me: really now, hmm. gonna have to try it her: use that instead of midol.. I swear it’s the magic pill. I live by it me: it works for S too? I am psycho killer hormone bitch a week before mine me: then haha I have to go around apologizing to everyone I work with and hang out with…sorry I got my period this week la la la, lol me: and everyone’s like, “guhhh…psycho bitch!” lol me: it’s like a bad Murphy’s Law episode, I swear to god… her: PREMSYN S relieves the symptoms of premenstrual syndrome, tension, bloating, cramps, headaches, backaches, irritability and water weight gain. me: cool cool beans…wtf! you read that shit off the box? LOL her: LOL ! — ends commercial –? me: haha ms health teacher again? her: LOL yes? me: erm… “brought to you by Premsyn S, Tampax…” and umm “ben & Jerry’s” lol me: and oh yeah, “Oprah”
Okay so it wasn’t all that necessary to post this, but daaaang. See what us girls gotta go through? EVERY MONTH. And this isn’t over ’til we’re old and senile! So please please please be nice to your ladies, guys! We endure alot just to live.