Am considering changing name of site to
weak lee, as was suggested by smart, charming, ism boy from down under. Ha.
Today I went to a barbeque at my friend’s house in Woodbury. She and her folks, brother and sister were all there and she had invited a friend who had worked with her a few years back. We got to enjoy the weather and each other, especially when we were cracking on one another. I got to hear the story of her brother being attacked by a squirrel a couple of years ago, which answered my question as to why they were always giving him shit about squirrels. It was pretty damn funny and I haven’t eaten that much in one sitting since Christmas. Uff da. I didn’t really intend to drink anything since I had had plenty the night before, but I did have a beer and a Captain Organ and Coke (yes, Captain Organ, it was a joke because someone had said ‘Morgan’ only with food in her mouth) We all agreed that sounded like a porn star name. Got home about 10:30 now I don’t feel like I will stay up very long because I am exhausted.
I’ve been extremely busy and today I’m very very very tired. More later. For now, just some miscellany:
What is the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Women work all the time.
Men have to put up signs when they work.
Just for fun, I’m posting this.
If you haven’t already guessed by now, I’m obsessed with things that celebrities do. I collect photos, movies, etc, plus I like reading quotations from famous people. And these quotes are funny because they all fall under the heading of “I Wish I Hadn’t Said That”
“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?” –H.M. Warner, Warner others, 1927.
“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.” –Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”
“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.” –Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
Does that make you feel better? See? It’s not just you.
JOKE ALERT A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence
of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy’s parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face,
and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room – with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern
continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.
The boy walked in with his report card – unopened – laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a ight red “A” under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son’s room, thrilled at his remarkable
progress.
“Was it the nuns that did it?”, the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, “No.” “Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?” “No.” “The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?” “Nope,” said the son. “On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they
nailed to the ‘plus’ sign, I just knew they meant business!”
I went with a friend from work to her place to eat and maybe go out and do something fun.
When I got there I spied a bookshelf holding a collection of all the great teen-angst movies from the 80’s. I was like, “Wow you have all these rockin videos? Sixteen Candles was like, my fave!” and she was all, “Noooo…! Those are my roommates…she’s into all that trash.” I was somewhat insulted but knew better, since this was a chick who I’d guessed was a bit more classy than to have enjoyed something like that since they were kinda before her time, like I did when I was younger. We cooked a spaghetti dinner and bitched about work (yay…someone to bitch about work with) and then decided to plop in a video. Of ALL the videos she had, we wound up watching “The Princess Bride”, which she said she had seen like, 40 times. Indeed it’s very clever and waay funny, but I guess 40 times for me? No. That would be about the time that a little voice goes off in my head that says, “YOU NEED TO GET OUT MORE AND BE WITH THE REAL PEOPLE OUTSIDE!!”
After about the 12th time she exclaimed how cute, hot, gorgeous, etc., that she thought Cary Elwes was, I thought to myself, “Ah-ha, no wonder she wasn’t all that into ‘The Breakfast Club’…She’s one of THOSE chicks that’s all into the medevil stuff and folklore and witches and probably played D&D while chugging cheap beer with her college roommates on Friday nights!”
Once the movie was about over, she looked over to where I was sitting and nearly yelled over to me. I must not have heard her the first time, turns out she caught me nodding off a bit. Ha ha. Then she was like, when this is over, do you need a ride home? I was kinda embarassed, and I knew I needed to quickly cook up an excuse. So I feigned exhaustion from a stressful day at work.
During the ride home we chatted a bit about her ex-boyfriend and my recent dating adventures. I could really tell from the things she said, that she was really still pining after this ex of hers and then started gushing about the Rennaissance Festival coming in the fall. She really is into that stuff and it’s all good but I don’t know anyone who, like, brings that stuff home, and performs plays over entire weekends with other medieval people and whatnot. When I told her cheerily that me and the other gals at work would LOVE to help find her man she was kind of disgusted at the notion and so I backed off. OKAY, so it was more like “Gurrrl, we got to getchoo a man so you can git SUM booty!” Then as we’re pulling up to my apartment I asked her something about her plans for another Friday or Saturday night in the future and I recall her saying she would be busy…
…something about a medieval play retreat over an entire weekend with other medieval people.
Gawd, I’m good.
“To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say, well done. And to the C students, I say, you too can be president of the United States.”
– PRESIDENT BUSH, to Yale’s graduates.
What happens when a president gets elected in a year with a 0 in the end?
1840: William Henry Harrison, Died in Office 1860: Abraham Lincoln, Assassinated 1880: James A. Garfield, Assassinated 1900: William McKinley, Assassinated 1920: Warren G. Harding, Died in Office 1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt, Died in Office 1960: John F. Kennedy, Assassinated 1980: Ronald Reagan, Survived Assassination Attempt
2000: ????
Visne scire quod credam? Credo Elvem ipsum etiam vivere.
(You know what I think? I think Elvis is alive.)
It seemed like a good idea at the time A class of elementary students wanted to make a planter to take home and wanted to have a plant that was easy to take care of in it so it was decided to use cactus plants. The students planted the cactus seeds in the planters and they grew nicely but unfortunately were not allowed to take them home. The cactus plants were removed and a small ivy replaced them and the
children were then allowed to take them home. Click here to see why.
even babies have bad days
Funny quote for the day
“Aren’t you going to TONGUE KISS HIM? Why not?”
“Well, maybe a little tongue, not porno tongue…church tongue.”
-from The Wedding Singer. Today I’m feeling a bit better. Just a bit though. Friday I stayed home from work again and my boss called at 1. I was online reading email and the answering machine got it. Anyway she was ‘just calling to find out how you’re doing, you still need to call us and check in to let us know if you’re coming in or not’ well, fuck…isn’t that pretty plain that I’m not coming in, if you
hadn’t heard from me by 1 o’clock?
I’ve noticed that it hurts to raise my left eyebrow, even just a little movement. It isn’t like a pinch or slight twinge. It’s like someone with stack-heel shoes has just stomped on my fucking forehead and held it there for an eternity. Now it’s Saturday and it’s just roasting out. So I’ve decided to
stay in, sit in my pajamas all day, drink coffee, watch The Big Lebowski for the
12th time, avoid cleaning house, have anxious thoughts about what to do with the last $240.00 in my bank account (I need to make a $224.00 payment to my credit consolidation company by Monday, but I also need to buy toilet paper among other things–groceries and I also need to buy a bus pass for the month-$57.00), and find weird things to post here. Fuck it. I should have just gone to the bar.
font size=”+1″>a name=”yahooclub”>Do you uh…Yahoo!/font size>
I am a member of a few Yahoo! clubs. Taking advantage of the information provided to me as a club member, I’ve ventured to the Yahoo! Clubs main page to see just what kinds of STRANGE clubs there are out there. These are actual clubs that I’ve found, that ACTUAL people belong to and post ACTUAL messages to. Please be warned that some of this content is ADULT. So don’t come crying to me about your kids getting porn from ME. Club name:
Breast feed while you baby sit
Club founder’s message on homepage says: “Breast feed the baby you baby sit (wet-nurse)” [Hey…isn’t that the baby’s mother’s job? I cannot believe there is an entire ONLINE CLUB devoted to this shit. -b]
Club name: Lipstick Blowjobs
font color=”black”>Club founder’s message on homepage says:/font color> Dedicated to women wearing heavy lipstick, giving blowjobs, and leaving lipstick marks/rings on their prey! [Um. that’s just gross. Club founder is same person
as the one who runs Teen Face Shots club mentioned below. This person is a fucking pedophile if you ask me. Also runs site called High School Cheerleaders, which has a bunch of links on the bottom pointing other sites full of 14 year olds: “Drunkchix”, “Teeny legs”, “Scandy girls” (what’s Scandy?), “Cutie Butts”, “Daily Bra”, “Cleavage Girls”, “Girls with Glasses”, and last but not least “Girls With Braces”. Is that NOT an obvious clue as to the magnitude of
this person’s pediphilio-perviness??! I don’t care if this person finds me and gives me a hard time, either. I’ll call the authorities you big pervie pervmeister perv. PERV! -b]
Club name: Online Job
Club founder’s message on homepage says:
Get you online job !!! Just join and make $2.00 a hour.
[Needless to say there is but 1 member. I suppose it WOULD be worth joining, seeing as I currently don’t make any money while surfing the net. At least I could get $2.00 ‘a hour’ -b]
Club name: Teen Face Shots
Club founder’s message on homepage says: Send head pics only of 9-18 y/o girls in makeup. Casual, formal, or other attire O.K. Please, no magazine or modeling pics, only personal scans. Also upload lip prints (lipstick kisses on paper) with a shot of the girl. Softcore only, follow guidelines or pics will be deleted! [Another sly way to get photos of young girls, perv! 9 year olds with make-up? Come on. That’s not normal and we all know it. PERV! -b]
Club name: Holy Grail Quoter Club
Club founder’s message on homepage says: A place to Quote Holy Grail “Where’d you get the coconut?” “We found it!” “Found it? In Mercia? The coconut’s tropical!” “What?” “Well, this is a Temperate Zone! You can’t find tropical plants here!” “The swallow may fly south for warmer clims in winter, yet these are not strangers in our land?” “Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?!” Want to see more? Come on in and see! [Unfortunately for me, I can’t join! I’d be a better candidate for membership if I could remember more from the movie than just: “Hey, you’ve got no arms!” “ach…it’s just a flesh wound!” -b] Club name:
id love to take you up the arse
Club founder’s message on homepage says: Nothing Founded: October 02, 1999 Members: 7 [Given the lack of info provided by the club homepage, it’s hard to say whether this club’s members are meant to be straight or homosexual. In any case, it’s a yawner so far, even though its had 2,081 pageviews. I’d have avoided posting about it altogether, but it’s title is quite unique and well I just love any use of the word ‘arse’, especially in Yahoo! Clubs, as in the case of the club entitled
Father Jack’s Arse Biscuits. Ha. I have yet to investigate that one-b]
Club name:
Burger King Employees Fight Back
Club founder’s message on homepage says: Welcome BK employees & ex employees this is your site to discuss the corruption that has made your job suck. The lies, the scams, the setups, and most of all those ‘bonuses’ that never come on your anniversary and especially the district managers who get paid for making new rules to make our job more of a a living fucking hell…Especially ______ & _______, they really both can fucking die for all i care. And dont forget about lazy ass managers like _____. >
Founded: February 02, 1999 Members: 15
[Awww, poor babies! They have no idea what a REAL JOB is like, until they have to join the rest of the adult working world. Then come tell me how much fun you’re having, trying to get a decent wage and competing with pretty college-degree-wielding, well- ed, jet-setting, young ‘enterprising’ people who never really worked a day in their life and have everything handed to them on a silver platter. I really, really hope that those poor managers mentioned above have read this club members’ messages and have a good laugh. If anything, those folks are really the ones to be pitied. I bet they have their OWN Yahoo! club. “The Plight Of Burger King Managers, Having To Deal With Whiny Pre-pubescent Eminem Fans Who Lack Work Ethic Not To Mention Taste In Music” -b] Speaking of Yahooligans Yesterday a friend and I were discussing Yahoo chat and the goofy emotes and smiley icons it has for you to use. Out of the emotes, it has one called ‘crash’ and if you double click it, the chat window makes the user “…crash through a ick wall and yell ‘Hey, KOOL-AID!”
Kinda dumb huh? Well, not all the people I talk to on Yahoo are American so they’re like, what the hell is Kool-aid? So for you, my readers, I am here to provide a public service. history of Kool-Aid Man and other fun facts.
That’s where Yahoo got that shit from. As for the smileys, one of our favorites is the img src=”http://static.userland.com/weblogsCom/gems/dayleeweblogscom/talk2th_hand.jpg”> icon. I say it means ‘talk to the hand’ lol. Other people say it means ‘stop’. So, being that the people at Yahoo! are as silly as they are, coming up with
that Kool-Aid thing and all, I wouldn’t be surprised if img src=”http://static.userland.com/weblogsCom/gems/dayleeweblogscom/talk2th_hand.jpg”> DOES mean ‘talk to the hand’!
img src=”http://static.userland.com/weblogsCom/gems/dayleeweblogscom/dancing_paul.JPG” width=”75″ height=”55″ border=”0″ alt=”bust a move”> >
dancingpaul.com
is extremely funny…
IMDB HATES me–I tried to register with their site so I could get movie & film updates and like FOUR times, it sent me this link so I could do so. I wanted to go there so I could comment on the film that was made about webloggers who fall in love. I can’t help but wonder if that’s why Melanie Griffith get her own blog and domain?? Is it because of the new movie she and whats-his-face are doing? Fuck I gotta get that link…just had it the other day…
President Bush was in St. Paul yesterday, to address the public regarding his new energy plan. I’m sorry, but as much as I was able to sit there and applaud his motives and ideas, it was sooo annoying because the man kept saying Nook-ya-ler, instead of nuclear!! Fuck. It was enough for me to develop a headache on top of the one I already had.
The free stuff page has been updated!
No more Victoria’s Secret Perfume! At least not at www.victoriassecret.com….I had to order it from a reseller. Ha. $21 per unit as opposed to manufacturer’s retail price of $66! Saved a bundle…got three bottles. Now I feel like Elaine from Seinfeld, when they took the Today sponge off the market, LOL.
SQ = stupidity quotient
HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE? Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. “We don’t have half dozen nuggets”, said the teenager at the counter. “You don’t?” I replied. “We only have six, nine, or twelve,” was the reply. “So I can’t order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?” “That’s right.” So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets. A couple of months ago I was checking out at the local grocery store with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those “Dividers” that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the “Divider” looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me “Do you know how much this is?” and I said to her “I’ve changed my mind, I don’t think I’ll buy that today”. She said “OK” and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened…..
Sign in a gas station: Coke — 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE:
A friend of mine was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. Her lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. She explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
This time last year. Ugh. Yes. I know that it’s Thursday. Let me just tell you I’ve been through hell in the last day. Tuesday night I had knocked myself silly. How? Well, by falling down a huge flight of cement stairs and hitting my head. Very graceful, I know. *Ahem* Anyway, that’s all over with and I’m recovering. Ice. Rest (ha) and Tylenol every four hours. See account of this on tuesday’s update, below.
Recap!
Monday
alcohol units u>0/u>, cigarettes u>11/u>, hours of sleep u>5/u>, interruptions at work by horny Yahooligans armed with Messenger u>3/u>, Days ’til my high school’s 10-year class reunion 12. I think I’ll survive, which is v.g. indeed.
Survive. now there’s a word you hear in every damned thing in the media these days. who gives a fuck about the survivors anymore? Me? God no. Tina Wesson fainted? good for her. it’s probably the only unrehearsed thing any cast member had gotten to do thus far. so I hear. yes, Dateline has gotten their dirty little paws into the whole controversy about the show’s producers, and I caught the story on um…Sunday night? Who can remember. I’m blaming the bump on the noggin. Anyway as I was saying, survivor this, survivor that. Destiny’s Child capitalizing on it, Hollywood Squares featuring past cast members, etc., etc. Have had enough. I don’t need to turn on the telly to see a survivor. I am one. doh. yeah i just slapped myself on the back but well it’s about time. I’ve had a brush with death and hell, I’m going to start appreciating things more. ha. I say this at least once a year, like some sorry New Year’s Resolution, but still…this time it means something.
Waiting for bus after work, it was 100 (not kidding) degrees outside, I decide to pop into Dayton’s and use the ladies’. There was one other person in there but I didn’t care, I was just glad to be in the air-conditioning. I finished and was washing up when this woman turns to look at me and says “You know, you are very beautiful.” I was like, M-KAY, this lady is wacked ’cause I’m no supermodel. I’m not even what people consider ‘pretty’ by modern standards. I’m no wallflower though, or a plain Jane on the other hand, so I politely said “Well, thank you.” and smiled, and was looking frantically for the paper towel dispenser and then she says “…and I ain’t tryin’ ta git witchoo or nuttin’ like dat. Ah’m jes the kinda person who tellin’ it like it is. And I think you are beautiful.” Okay. Must hustle. “Thanks, thanks very much” I gush, and all but run out of the bathroom and practically tear out of the store. Waiting at bus stop again, I’m thinking, Okay. Analyze that one. So she thought I was beautiful. Well, then I must be. Whatever! She was creepy. Am still just okay looking. Weirdo. Who does she think she is, putting shit like this on me to deal with??! Got on bus and went home to forget all about it. And did. Or so I thought. grrr.
Tuesday
Had to get up extra early to run a special errand this day. Two weeks ago I got a cryptic voicemail from a gentleman calling from New York, asking me to return his call, to his law office in Moriah. Who knows? I called him back and it turns out this check(?) that I wrote back in August 2000 to a client of theirs (some terrible mini mart, all I can remember is they didn’t have the cigarettes I wanted, and no Frapuccino!) had been returned to them, and was not paid by my bank (whoops!). I never receieved any notice as such or at least haven’t received any for some time now. They wanted $145 by noon (two weeks ago) or else they were seeking court and fees in upwards of $1200 or more (?). In any case, I managed to sweet-talk the lawyer into waiting for the 15th so I could pay it then. Here it is. May 15th. Western Union, here I come…it was already 88 degrees and it wasn’t even 8:30 yet! I was all grouchy from the heat and the inconvenience of it all before I even got there. (had to walk to the end of the block and around the corner to use the ATM and I was going to be late for work, you’d think they’d HAVE an ATM in a Western Union but ahh…no.) I got up to the counter and started filling out the slip that said ‘To Send Money’ and was nearly done when I heard another man at the counter, who was asking the clerk to help him fill out his slip, “I can’t write or read,” he said. I felt bad and tried to not be in such a bitchy mood after that and as I’m finishing filling out my slip, the man who couldn’t write was finished at the counter and came over near me. He stood right behind me (I’m not kidding, this guy was all up on me…hello, Mr. Bluebird on my shoulder???!!) and saw the frustration in my face. He began telling me he thought I should go ask the guy at the counter for help, since he had, and was done already! “Maybe you wouldn’t have trouble if you ask for help, you should go do it..” he kept telling me this about 4 times and I just shook my head and politely told him I was doing fine and as he persisted I signed the slip, turned to him and said tersely “I’m FINE. Would you please leave me alone and mind your business? Thank you.” He was all “Oh, fine, whatever, just trying to help,” etc., etc., and I walked up to the guy behind the window to turn in my slip. After a few minutes of waiting he finally stamped my paper and I gave him $172.00 and some odd cents. “Why so much?” I asked…I only was paying $145.00! He said that to add the three extra lines (account no., reference no., and contact telephone no.) were additional. Well, crap, that’s what the lawyer told me to put on there! Turns out what I should have had done was a ‘quick collect’ payment which is different altogether and SHOULD have only cost me $145.00. The clerk quickly figured this out, transfered my info from the 1st form onto the correct one, gave me back the cash difference in fees, and sent the wire transfer and I was on my way. Turns out the guy who couldn’t write was smarter than me. Ack. Another lesson learned. Got back on the bus and sat down. Right behind (bloody hell) lady from the Daytons bathroom. Who knew? I was in a TOTALLY different part of town. Totally different time of day. Shit. She was creepy. Now she is mumbling to herself. I cough (first time I have ever cursed my smoking habit). She turns just enough to see me out of the corner of her eye. Does a slow-long double take. “Aren’t you the lady I met the other night?” says she. “uh yeah.” She kinda winks at me and then goes back to mumbling to herself and I jump to a different seat. Three blocks before my stop this huge woman (I’m talking HUGE) gets out of her seat, a few rows up from Creepy Mumbling Dayton’s Bathroom Lady. Huge woman is thudding down the aisle meanwhile shaking the entire bus and Creepy Mumbling Daytons Bathroom Lady waves to the HUGE woman (who’s just about broke the stairs and poured herself out the bus door) and says “Oh hey, have a nice day, sexy, beautfil lady!” to the huge woman. Am sinking into seat and can’t help but wonder wonder wonder. Head spinning. WTF?! Who is this lady, really? A missionary? Is there some sort of project, some sick mission where she and her other Creepy Mumbling Dayton’s People to go around telling ugly, semi-ugly chubby and/or grossly overweight women how beautiful they are? Some sick, sick mission? Fuck if I know. Was 5 minutes late for work. Am so beautiful, though! ha. right. and broke now too. Fucking lawyers.
Worked all day! The supervisor was out sick Thursday and Friday and so I was hit hard with alot of responsibilties while she was out. Needless to say it was crazy crazy both days and therefore Tuesday a.m. I was slowly but surely catching up. It was pleasant enough until I had all of a sudden been slammed with a last minute project from someone else and I was pissed because I was very very very busy this day (but so far managing) and was sent the following e-mail from the supervisor:
Bobbi Jo:
Please put 100% of your efforts towards accomplishing this project.
Ignore the emails. Phone calls and greeting visitors should be your only other concern until this project is completed.
Please email me when it is completed (posted by the mailroom and in the buckets, ready for pickup).
Thanks!
-J
How how how? I’m in the middle of another one right now, Yahooligans won’t leave my messenger alone, people keep coming in the door, yikes! shit. then this message just threw me into the worst of moods. ha. just for that I finished it in two hours. double ha. Survived once again, and even stayed the extra 20 minutes to help a client. Got ready to go and called in a takeout order from the Vietnamese place downstairs. That’s when it happened.
Was digging through by totebag looking for something and going around the corner to take the stairs. I was not looking where I was going. I had done this routine a hundred times before. Same hallway, same steps, same rooting-through-bag action. Then before I knew it, I had tumbled from the first step to the last. All 15 of them. cement. hard. ouch. I fell end-over-end down them and I nearly died. Really. The property manager’s office is next door and the manager heard me howling. She told me not to move. All I remember from that moment was asking her “Who’s yelling? That sounds horrible!” She said “That’s you, darling, now stay still, I’ve called you an ambulance.”
I was told I had a bump on my head the size of a tennis ball and I don’t recall if I had blanked out at all, from the time she was talking to me until the time the ambulance had come. Anyway it was all very scary. When the ambulance came the paramedics were very serious I was scared to death. Before long they whisked me away and I was in ambulance with a neck cuff on and an IV and o2. They took me to emergency. I’ll be damned…those paramedic staff know their cell phones! They asked me if there was someone to contact and I was nodding and howling, because talking made everything hurt. Trying to tell them yes but–the number was in my cell phone–it’s my sis or my mom, their names are… Before I knew it they had whipped my phone out of my bag, found the numbers in my phone and were talking to my sis and mom. I don’t even remember the IV hurting (this, from a girl who, back when she was small, once had to be held down by 6 nurses to have a needle). In the E.R. they eventually took off the neck cuff and then the doctor on call examined me. After they determined I was o.k. except for the fact that my forehead was swollen and I had some minor and major abrasions (rug burns and gashes on my elbows, lower back and shins) and before I knew it I was staying at mom’s for the night. The swelling went down drastically in a matter of a few hours and I have only had mild headaches every now and then, in addition to that alot of stiffness from the fall, and I’m not really supposed to stoop down for anything, although today I did while doing some laundry. Afterward I was very very dizzy. That happened after I wokeup from a nap today too. Dizziness isn’t usually a bad thing to experience but both of these tiny episodes were enough to bring tears to my eyes. I’m feeling much better now and taking it very very very easy. I am up late, yeah but I’m not planning to go to work til probably Friday or perhaps not till Monday. In any case, they’re not worried about when I show up. They’re just glad I’m fine, of course. And as my friend Mary and now several others have insisted, I have checked into my rights for worker’s comp and the only thing I need to worry about is that I need to be following up with the property mgr’s ins. co. to be sure a report was filed. I’m sure the woman from the property managers office that sat with me ’til the paramedics came had taken care of that by now but i’ll double check. Anyway I’m just glad to be home and taking it slow.
Thanks to everyone for all your kind words and notes. I appreciate it very much. going to go get some more rest now.
Update: new emails, 62; calories, 2031 (v. bad); calls from prospective new boy, 0; cigarettes, 16.
Want to hastily highlight and delete entire in-box, being mostly unsolicited crap, but know better, as waiting on status for a Victoria’s Secret order (bath gel and lotion, not underwear, pervies! Not THIS on order, anyway). Also waiting to hear back from girl friend on her new job. Want to go out and have a few amaretto sours and cosmopolitans and flirt fiercely and smoke alot and be taken home by some alarmingly cute man-child with large brain and sexual appetite to match. Grit teeth, as realize am actually spending another evening alone, frightfully bored out of mind, more likely to wind up spinster, getting pissed on Bacardi Diet Cokes and chatting in Yahoo! chatroom with unattractive, lying, fat, 45 year old person called “Brad”, who tells me how great I am and trying like mad to get into my cyber-pants. Double UGH.
On bright side, forgot I have tube of cookie dough in fridge! Hurrah! Also today I managed to get two VIP passes for Tuesday evening at First Ave. Anyone want to go with me?
Crap on a cracker.
Am surely going to be eaten out of house and home by bugs.
Can’t have windows up to enjoy nice day because insects and vermin of all sorts have invaded better part of Twin City metro since it is summer soon, dammit. Yes, I have screens on my windows but the frames are warped just the slightest bit, allowing every damned bug and his grandmother and all his cronies to infest this 84-year old building.
The worst of it is that I don’t have anyone in here to kill these bugs! Seems silly doesn’t it? I don’t have the gall to. I gotta get a man to do it for me. That’s another mountain yet to climb. So far all I’m attracting are these bugs.
Am going to go plant my ass down on the sofa and watch HGTV and hope I don’t cry when i see all these chicks with nice houses and great, bug-killing husbands.
Have not ventured out-of-doors nearly entire weekend, with exception of few hours on Saturday. Can feel muscles beginning to atrophy already. In retrospect, I’ve gotten LOTS done around the house. Laundry, tidying up, plus the site has had a design re-haul. can’t see it? just hit refresh. looks half-decent in netscape too (I’m using v. 4.77). Thanks sammy, for your help! also, once again I have enabled the ‘search this site’ (or the web) functions, via the ultra-classy search engine.
Was up til 4am doing nothing too important, went to bed and got up about noon.
Get home very late, proceed to sit down at kitchen table to fill out self-review. Performance review at job is 2 Wednesday, and self portion due by noon.
Had almost no trouble with first four pages, as were all questions on how I felt my job’s tasks were handled, each answer to be rated from 1 to 5, 1=poor, 2=needs improvement, 3=average, 4=above average, 5=outstanding. Rated self on almost all duties as 3 or 4.
Got to page 5. Was bewildered, as page 5 entirely essay questions asking for self-thoughts on strengths I possess in the job, changes to be made in job, what do I dislike about job,
like, etc.
Sat and chewed on pen whilst racking brain for thoughtful but not too ass-kissy
answers. Took 40 minutes to come up with (astonishingly!) good sentences and outlines, completing entire page. Checked email, talked on phone with new boy, packed lunch and went to bed.
7:38am Am starting to doubt bus is ever coming. Maybe I missed it! Lit a cigarette and proceeded to smoke at bus stop whilst trying desparately to keep linen suit jacket from flapping in breeze and thus getting burnt on cigarette.
7:50am
Get on bus going in general direction of downtown. Have to catch transferring bus, once downtown, at 8:17am. Not likely to catch EXACT transferring bus, as this is later bus. Oh well, they’re only a few minutes apart. Listen to local radio talk show and hear remarks about Dalai Lama being in town for peace conference and whatnot.
8:11am
Am starting to boil beneath skin a bit, sitting there waiting on fuckwit bus driver who decides to argue with person in wheelchair at bus stop, about how wheelchair lift not working. Am wishing he would just leave so we could get round to getting downtown already.
8:21am
Got downtown and got off bus. Ran to end of block to try to catch next
transferring bus which will be soooo fucking slow (the bugger stops at every block along way to Minneapolis!)
8:22am
Update: buses missed, 1; amount of money dropped out of coinpurse while trying to hail next bus, $1.42; number of times screamed “SHIT!” at top of voice due to missed bus and fallen money, 4.
Gawd I wish I could start driving to work. It’s not a good idea…there’s never parking and…oh yes, finally the blasted blurry bus arrives, hurrah!
8:56am
Transferring bus turned out to be limited stop bus (#50)! Had no idea of which, and got up to pull signal and get off bus at stop in front of office building. Bus passed stop. Got mad. Stood up and burst out at bus driver about wanting to get off at Fairview Avenue. Driver spat back loudly that I was on limited stop bus. Turned red and sat back down. Had to get off 3 (very large) blocks away from actual usual bus stop. All but ran to office building just barely late enough to be considered actually late, which is v.good. Hate being confronted about lateness!
9:08am
Went to breakroom to put lunch in fridge and get coffee. Oh joy! Hurrah. Someone has made some (besides me…always me, and somehow I never get any and have to make another pot)! and there’s one cup left. Bad bus trip forgotten, smiling and almost skipping, bring cup of coffee to desk and reach into bag to pull out folder containing most impressive self-review, lay folder on desk. Phone rings. Reach across desk to answer it and knock tumbler of precious last bit of coffee all over desk and impressive self-review. Immediately feel as though am surely doomed to hell.
10:10
Coffee-soaked review has dried but first two pages now nearly all brown, as if was dragged through sewage on way to work. Came up with (brilliant!) idea to remedy situation. Review was filled out in black ink. No one would suspect otherwise, if was photocopied. Managed somehow, and turned into supervisor well before due time. Nearly wet pants waiting for review, to be at 2 . Very occupied with thought of failing, and wanted badly to duck out of office, go home to lie in bed and chain-smoke for rest of day.
3:04
Passed review with flying colors and was very surprised. Got 3’s and 4’s on almost everything, and even some 5’s here and there. Smiled alot. Actually got through to both supervisor and VP. Am also pleased, as was also able to air opinions on strategy of operations team rebuilding and share my idea on office expense review & restructure of procurement. Was handed letter of salary increase and said a little thank-you to God under my eath. Coasted euphorically through rest of day.
Thursday evening, 8:18
Update: weight=too much, alcohol units=0, cigarettes=5 (v.g.), calories 1480, Motrin Ibuprofen 8, times I’ve rolled my eyes today 732. Busted ass all day at office, DWD (dealing with doofuses). Thankfully was able to leave at normal time of 5:30. Got off bus to walk home and felt strangely beautiful. Don’t know if it was because handsome young man downtown eyed my curiously, or because was dressed nicely
today, or if because it was absolutely gorgeous out this evening and I picked several bunches of lilacs from the bushes lining the alleyway, their honeyed aroma beckoning me, just a few blocks up from my apartment (I know that’s stealing). Either way, I say strangely because well, have you seen me? Ha. That and also because my hair was falling out of the clip I had it up in, I was cramping up and bloated all day thanks to a visit from my monthly best buddy, and also my feet were blistering up a bit, from wearing new sandals. Got home and made dinner. Sat blinking, through most un-funny episode of ‘Friends’ (except that bit where Ross tried to avoid a ticket while driving with Rachel…that was funny!). Nearly lost appetite for rest of dinner upon seeing Kathleen Turner appear onstage as a drag queen in a Vegas show that Chandler and Monica went to see. Ugh. Sat through ‘The Weakest Link’ and somehow managed to finish eating dinner even though Richard “arsehole” Hatch and company of jerks from ‘Survivor 1’ were on it, failing miserably to make me laugh, with their stupid ribbing of each other and their lack of ability to answer easy questions (e.g.: what does E.S.P. stand for = extra sensory perception!).
This time last year.
Cinco de Mayo
Hanson admits to homosexual and incestuous behavior? >*gasp!* No! >Yes. ‘Tis true
Shrooms? Really? Yup. West Wing creator Aaron Sorkin caugh with a ‘suspicious looking bag’ containing none other than a batch of magic mushrooms.
Sound beyond cool >
Infinite Wheel’s Dub Selector will keep even the most discriminating music-loving web surfer happy for hours.
Should your loved one be placed into an assisted computing facility? The folks at Satirewire feature this article, a guide to those of you who have asked yourself this question. Check the warning signs! If any of them point to mom & dad, better hurry and pack them up for the move to their new home, whose caring and loving staff promise not to ask them to cut & paste anything, right-click, or refer to a manual.
Fug-git abbaht it! >If you see these people, do not, I repeat, NOT turn them in to the authorities. Fear not, it’s only HBO.com’s Sopranos Look-Alike Contest.
Yay! May is “Victims of Pornography” month!
Oh. I thought it was ‘Put The Toilet Seat Down’ month. Or maybe that’s June. Well, whatever.
The Girl Scouts can’t even sing their old faves anymore. I remember back in the day as a wee lass, in Girl Scout camp, when we used to sing a song about senoritas, retarded people, the homeless, and various weird people in general. A few years later, in the beginning of all this PC garbage, they made us change ‘senoritas’ word to ‘pretty ladies’. Back then, I thought THAT was harsh. Now, thanks to ASCAP and their so-called ‘politically correct’ asses, merry little girls all over the country can no longer sing anything that is copywrited, either. That includes “Happy Birthday”, and a favorite old camp song about pajamas, sung to the tune of “The Battle Hymn of The Republic”.
Oh, crap. I didn’t know Wednesday was World Phone-In ‘Sick’ Day. >I thought that was on Thursday. So I was a day late. So what.
Fun generators aplenty
The Mr. T. name generator. >
You know your pornstar name, your drag queen name, so now what’s your Mr. T. name?
For when you’re completely bored off your ass, there’s the quintessential postmodern essay generator.
Your lame-ass superhero dreams come true
with the useless superhero generator. The site even promises that your superhero
will NOT be like any others, with their ‘anti-clone guarantee’. Loads of useless superhero fun. />
This is from my White Castle Daily Trivia Calendar. I’m home SICK as a dog today, I’m almost sure it’s the flu. My head feels like it’s stuffed with cinderblocks and my nose won’t stop running, I’m coughing like there’s no tomorrow and my whole body aches, all the way down to my little pinky toe. I just now got to feeling strong enough to get off the couch to do something. I did go to the store and get some medicine and some chicken soup.
Today is National Prayer Day
Perhaps someone could pray for me so that I could have better stuff to watch on TV. Daytime TV sucks. I sat through Today and all their perky hijinks and then succumbed to some crappy cartoonage. I can’t remember what it was, but then I caught NBC’s Time & Again which is a show that goes into NBC’s past archives to highlight a certain person or event. Today it was Jackie Gleason
they were doing, which was a bit more entertaining than Katie Couric and Matt Lauer and their glossy asses. Then of course, no day at home from work could be complete without seeing The Price Is Right on tv.
Bob Barker never fails to entertain and enlighten us all. Sally Jessy Raphael’s show once again succeeded in convincing me to not get married and have children. The topic of disussion was in the area of parents who are going through the difficulties of joint custody of their children. Some of these
people don’t even deserve children! Then it’s on to Oprah. Featured guests today went one whole week without makeup! What an ordeal! Sweet Jesus, can someone help these poor, desperate women?! What ever will we do?
Chuck Knoblauch gets a warm welcome
Two Minnesota Twins security guards had to keep an eye on the crowd in left field as New York Yankees’ Chuck Knoblauch takes part in practice before the game against the Minnesota Twins Tuesday night in Minneapolis. Knoblauch complained that fans threw things at him during Monday night’s game. Eventually, the Yankees team was forced off the field because during the game, the unruly fans continued to throw stuff. Awww. Well, Chuckie, if you didn’t suck so much, they wouldn’t!
Supermodel Nikki Taylor is in critical condition in the hospital, recovering from a car accident three days ago. She is suffering from severe liver damage and internal bleeding, among other things, and now all of a sudden people on the news media have stories about how much people are so concerned these days about young people dying in car accidents. Like it’s not important until it happens to one of our beautiful, rich & famous elite.
It’s the night all you Survivor freaks have been waiting for
Who really cares?, is what I’d like to know. And Richard Hatch, doing the presenting of the award to the winner? Weren’t his 15 minutes of fame over, like, a long time ago?
This week’s strangest search result yet
erotic AND stories AND backyard AND mom AND friend AND tent
Note to the searcher: For better results, I highly recommend lowering your standards,
narrowing your search, and for Pete’s sake, don’t put ‘erotic’ and ‘mom’ in the same sentence. Ever.
Jay Leno’s nursery rhymes
Last night, Jay decided to feature a spot of him going to college campuses, in search of young people who actually knew their nursery rhymes. I think that everyone needs a dose of Mother Goose as a child, it only helps you in the future. I can’t believe our tax dollars go to higher education institutes whose students don’t even know that Jiminy Cricket was a cricket, and not a grasshopper! Here, I’m featuring some of his queries: Q. Bahh, bahh, black sheep, have you any: A. -money -fur? Q. Old mother hubbard went to her cupboard to: A. -fetch a pail of water? -make a drink? Rub a dub, dub, 3 men in a tub, Q. What were the 3 men? A. -the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker? -perverts?
-gay?
Q. Jiminy Cricket is a: A. grasshopper? Um, NO. Try again. Q. Little bo peep lost what? A. a dollar? Q. Little miss muffet sat on a what? A. A tuffet. Q. Okay. What’s a tuffet? A. A type of large mushroom (the young man who answered this said he knew alot about mushrooms). Let it be noted that he appeared as though indeed he did. Q. The little man who could turn straw into gold was who? A. Jesus
Okay, since I’ve nothing better to do, I’m going to go watch Friends, now.