Last night I figured out why my tummy hurt so much. This occurred to me after I emerged–oddly triumphant–from the bathroom, the herbalife-wannabe diet supplement stuff I’ve been taking has had a constipating effect on me. More than anyone needed to know, I’m sure.
I just got over a nasty cold and although James has boosted up his vitamins and immunity-improving stuff like Vitamin C, echinachea and zinc and we avoided kisses on the mouth for a bit he seems to have caught it anyway. He didn’t have to work this evening. I came home to find him all tucked up in blankets on the couch, coughing, wheezing and basically looking beat, but he snapped to attention when I called out that I brought home dinner.
I guess we were supposed to go to his dad’s tonight–yesterday he called to tell James he had some mail of his (which happens now and then so naturally we try to drop by to visit within a couple days). So James told me he was waiting for me to come home so we could leave. After we ate, we watched the end of an old movie on AMC and then I breezily inquired as to whether we should get ready to go. He yelled in a defensive tone “OKAY, already!” and I was like whoa! All I did was ask a question! After a bit he cheered up and started messing with me, tickling and joking and whatnot, I don’t get it, he’s always either so down or else he’s being so silly it’s ridiculous. I try my best to ignore it because I don’t know what’s really going to happen between us in the next couple weeks. I try to not get too weird and come out and say stuff that I know about him not being happy with me and wanting to go to CO and shit. At the same time I try to be reserved, which is hard because there’s lots of emotions in me. Keep in mind I’m trying to get this month’s rent paid and then decide what to do, and once I decide, I’m acting quickly.
I keep thinking of the day I’m just going to tell him “Look I know you are not happy here with me and I know there are things about each other we are not going to change, either we have to accept them and work things out between us or move on. I can’t accept lots of things you want in life and you can’t accept what I want either.”. Sometimes it makes me sort of sad because we have some history. On the other hand I almost always am reminded of when my mom and my friend’s mom both told me (on separate occasions) that before I was with him I seemed happier and had my life together. Looking back I find that to be so fucking true. It irks me now–realizing some of the things I’ve given up on–just to be with him.
I’ve given up on:-Taking time out for myself, really caring about my own feelings and desires, even little things. -I’ve started to be the fish wife, spending every waking moment trying to please him and then bitching about it. -I’ve started to become depended-on by him and he’s not all that grateful.
-I’ve started to live vicariously through him, sometimes talking incessantly about him and our future together (which I’m sure annoyed friends and family) and talking about all the things he likes, his family and stuff when people asked me how I’M DOING, not asking for an update on him….and I always hated that in married/involved couples that I know, and always promised myself I’d never stoop to that in order to try to be happy.
I just want to break down and cry sometimes because I am just starting to feel trapped. Sometimes I revel in the fact that if we do break up, I’d be free to do as I please again! What a breath of fresh air that would be, to have my life back! But of course for a while I’d be hurt because of love lost, wasted, but it’s something I knew would happen one day when I threw myself back into dating and getting intimately involved with men again. I was totally prepared to risk it all, to get my heart broken because it was better than being alone for too long.
Later he took a shower and I wondered if we were going to go to his dad’s. He called over there to ask what was up and say ‘hi’ and I guess they’re inviting us to dinner tomorrow night. After awhile he sat there in the other room looking like he lost his dog. I asked him what was wrong and he just kept telling me nothing was wrong and I told him I really wanted him to tell me what was on his mind and pointed out that he tends to stuff things away and then some small tiny thing happens later to set him off and I have to duck and cover and prepare to hear about the shit that’s been bugging him for the last four months. So after a bit I stopped pestering him and next thing I know he’s curled up in the fetal position on the bed. I don’t know if he stayed up all day or if he is really not feeling good tonight. I asked him again how he was feeling and I checked for a fever but he felt fine.
Whatever.
All this thinking about us and our issues, and the stupid television, has gotten me so mad I could do the dishes.
But it’s still his turn. Since Saturday.
I think I feel nausea coming on.
PS – I’m just writing down these things as they occur to me and I am not pleaing for pity. I’m really having a hard time finding/understanding/validating my feelings and then trying to decide what to do because I’ve never been in love before, so bear with me.
PPS – Yes I said that. Never. Not once.
PPPS – I’m not a stupid person, I’m pretty goddamned self assured and confident with myself, and with many things dealt to me in my life. I just am stumped by this particular issue. And yes, I did feel the need to assure this to anyone who reads this
…and yeah, that includes myself.
Is there such a thing as this many PS’s? I’m too tired to look it up.
Same day, different year..
Other posts on this day:
- Things to do in St. Paul when you’re Flat Broke – 2000