I doooon’t wanna work! I just wanna bang on de drum all day… Happiness is ___________. (fill in the blank here) Sometimes I wonder about people… Just something I’ve been thinking about for awhile, that’s all. Do you find yourself wondering the same thing? I mean, we’re all here for one thing and that is to live and prosper and be happy, right? But I have DAYS, you know, where I feel like “What is there for me to be happy about?” I mean, I find that alot of people in this world seem happy but after all is said and done, and they go home each night, these people are the ones who call their relatives or go to www.soandso.com and go into the bulletin boards and newsgroups and bitch and moan and bawl about their personal problems. First sunshine, then rain. Who are they kidding? I for one, would like to know. How is this possible? Or even healthy? I don’t take this approach or condone it. I mean, let’s say that I’m in this mood where I’m not exactly counting my blessings and feeling like ‘it’s all good’, right? But on the other hand, I’m not excactly bitter for any specific reason. In this case, you would NOT see me smiling all day to beat the band when I’m not happy, but I also don’t bite everyone’s heads off if I ain’t. So how do you find a balance? I just try to remain calm and nonchalant whenever possible.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m not making any sense here. Maybe I should get back to work.
Posted by dayleeblog | 
Seems like just yesterday I started my job. Now I look back and I see that it’s been two years and too long. I’ve been saying these things to myself for awhile now but last Thursday I had resolved that no matter what (well, almost) I would get a different job. I’ve had only two interviews and have been to three temporary work agencies. Until I find something suitable, I’ll tempwork in the meantime and see what else breaks through.
On a lighter, furrier note: Tonight I had a mouse in the house! Just what I need…even spiders give me the willies, so you can imagine I was a bit stirred up, to say the very least. My sister and I were sitting and chatting at my desk, she was in the middle of typing out an email to a friend an that’s when she flinched. I saw her look to her left very quickly and then she turned her head back forward and made a quick little facial expression like she saw a ghost. I grabbed her arm and demanded to know if she had seen something and she casually denied it (afterward, she admits she only said so because she didn’t want me to think she was flippin’ out) and then I said “Is it a mouse?” to which she said “No, it’s nothing”. She changed her mind not two seconds later because there he was, just a baby, looking up at us and chewing on something. I let out a couple of ‘eek’ sounds and we left pretty quickly in search of her hubby. HE’D get it for us! Little did we expect him to be sitting on the couch in his skivees, watching a tape of Thursday’s WWF show. Reluctant, I managed to crawl back home and call the caretaker, who was over a few minutes later and was plenty eager to catch the dirty varmit. And so he did. Now I can rest.
Posted by dayleeblog |
Tonite I am finally able to relax. Although there is so much bad stuff going on with people in my life I do feel a bit guilty about coming home and just chillin’. I’m gonna unload Thursday night on ya ’cause after my update I went and watched ER, even though I hardly ever watch that show, I just did. It had me bawling when the little girls’ mother died. Big deal. People die on that show every week, don’t they? Then I called Shan’s house to find out how her hospital visit the other night went. She wasn’t home. Her brother’s fiancee answered the phone and told me that she was in the hospital again and wasn’t going to tell me why. When I told her that my sister and I were the ones who brought her in on Wednesday night for the back pains, she thought about it for a second, and then said that Shan was in the hospital for something else. She had a nervous breakdown and was going to be there for awhile. I told her thank you and hung up. A breakdown? Surprised? You bet. But she had good reason, I’m sure! This girl has been dealt a shitty hand, let me tell you. I can’t even go into details right now about her if you don’t already know. I was very upset at learning this. I didn’t know what to do or how to feel. I think now that mostly I was sad and confused, to say the least. Then after that, I talked to my mom. She said she had to go to a funeral for a man who was kind of young to have died of lung cancer, which is what my grandmother is dying of. She’s got maybe until July, so the doctors say, which brings me to recap the weekend.
On Friday I went down to Waterville, Minn., to my parent’s travel trailer they’ve got set up at a summer resort . Stayed there Friday and Saturday all day and it was a bit chillier than normal. I did get to visit alot with my folks and their friends that were there for the weekend. Then on Sunday morning, we went up to visit Grandma and my aunt and uncle, who planned for our surprise visit and lunch for Mother’s Day. From the last few times I visited Grandma, I have to say that she looks fabulous and I don’t believe it when they tell me she’s not going to be around much longer. All this talk about death and cancer and whatnot has got me sad lately and I don’t know what to think. On a different subject, I know that I’m staying at my current job for now, but I’m keeping my options open. There is a position available at a bank downtown and I’ve got an interview on Friday with the VP. She seems nice and I’ve been told by an insider (who is also a friend) that it is a pleasant place to work and I know there will be more money (what could that hurt?) so I am hoping to get it, just for a change of scenery. I’ll let you know more later. Tomorrow I’m having friends over for a birthday dinner and then Thursday I need to go shopping and visit with my sis, it’s been awhile.
Well it’s getting late once again and I’ve got to get to bed but I’ll be back later.
Posted by dayleeblog |
The kitties next door are in love with me. They can see me from their perch and follow me with their heads as I move from one room to another in my apartment…it is so endearing. They’re windowsill hunters, too. They sit and watch all the birds and squirrels and bugs with such a fierce interest that they almost seem like they’re gonna go after one. hello old friend…it’s been awhile On Wednesday night I went with a friend to dinner at the Chart House restaurant in Lakeville since she had an extra seat available. Very good chicken. Pretty good salad. Unfortunately, it meant I didn’t get home until late because we had to stop at her parents’ house for something. Man, I haven’t been HOME enough ALL WEEK and it’s only gonna be worse ’cause I am going out of town all this weekend and won’t be home ’til Sunday. To top that off, I had my alarm clock set incorrectly and kept waking up later than usual and had no time for a shower two days in a row. Gross, I know, but whaddya gonna do? (I’m making a mental note right now to pack a bar of soap, some shampoo and a towel to leave in my desk at work, since there’s showers in the basement at the office building for people who jog or bike to work). This week, Monday night I had to go run errands and didn’t get home until late and then Tuesday night I went to Shan’s house. Turns out that she had to go into the hospital for back pains. After her car accident this winter, the doc had to runs some tests and that included a CAT scan and a spinal tap, one side effect being terrible back pain afterward. Let me tell you that you NEVER want to have one of those done. When I was nine, I was in the hospital for a week with a bout of near meningitis and I had to endure one of those and had pain for days afterward. The kind of pain you don’t forget. Anyway I like to AT LEAST get online to update my journal and read my email so you can imagine how geeked I was tonite to finally sit down and surf for an hour or so. bug soup: One night that I WAS home though, for a little while at least, was Tuesday. I did get home kind of early for dinner at least. It was 8:30 and I decided to make spaghetti. I put on a pot of water to boil and figured it had been awhile since I changed the bulb in the range hood above the stove. Well you know there is a white plastic guard over the light bulb there on most of those? I knew it was there but I always could reach the bulb underneath. All the other times, I never moved the guard and always just changed the bulb. Well that night I saw that there was a small place where the guard could be disconnected and hang from a little hinge. I grabbed the guard and pulled it from the slot and let the guard drop so that I could change the bulb. It was cool, ’cause I always thought that the way I always used to do it was kinda hard. When I was done I snapped the guard back into place and went about my business. It wasn’t long before I saw the tiny old, dried up carcasses of a few small dead flies and gnats floating at the top of the almost boiling water in my beloved clean pot! I guess they had been lying in that damned lightbulb guard I never flipped back before, ISH! Ohmygosh, I never scrubbed a pot as hard or for as long! Did I tell you about my adventure at the public library? Yeah, well that was the night I went to dinner with my friend Cheryl after work. Well, I get off around five and she had some stuff to finish up and was staying at her job until six so that left me with an hour to kill downtown. I figured since I already had two books checked out. I just finished one, and hadn’t started the other one yet but it was a hard find so since they were due soon I was gonna go renew them, and perhaps update my journal on the web in their computer lab. Since I haven’t been to this branch in about three years, I was unaware of their new hours. Turned out the were about to close and I all but got roughed up when I waltzed in the door to hang out and check out the computer lab. The LIBRARY! of all places! The security guard was right inside the door and informed me that they were closing in five minutes. me: “Five minutes? Jeez…I haven’t been here in awhile. Darn. I wanted to hang out a little. You guys used to be open until six. I had no idea. Mister Security Guard: “Yes, we close at five-thirty.” “Oh, okay, well can I at least go in and renew these books?” says I. Mister Security Guard: “Sure. Hey, you could have done that over the phone, you know.” me: “Yeah, I know, I’ve done it before but like I said I didn’t know about the hours being different and I planned on staying for a while.” Mister Security Guard: “Yeah, you can do that now. Just call the main number and ask.” me: “I know. Like I said, I hadn’t been here in awhile.” The woman at the book return and checkout counter hears us talking, and I’m sure she’s heard our conversation. She looks just like Marian the Librarian from Music Man, only with an attitude and somewhat more of a 90’s hairdo and attire. I have to supress a giggle. I ask her from where the guard and I are standing if she can renew the books for me. Marian Librarian: “Alright, just step right over here and I can help you.” me: “Here’s my card, I know they’re not due until the 22nd but I figured since I was coming by already…” Marian: “Yes, well do you use the renewal over the phone option? You could have just done that, you know.” me: “Yes, but I was just over there telling you guys that I was unaware of the closing time tonight.” Marian: “Oh. You were? Well. Fine. (all snotty like)” Good Lord. I wanted badly to pound her face in, but I kept myself in check. She knew, AND she heard me. She just wanted to take her shitty day out on ME. Well I ain’t havin’ it. Bitch.
Well it’s getting late so I’ll git goin and see if I can manage one more day this week. I’ll be back next week with more…
Posted by dayleeblog |
Cinco de Mayo Tonight after some dinner and an episode of “Providence” (*don’t ask my why I watched it…I don’t even like it that much), I move with my book to the frontmost part of the livingroom, (which I call the ‘front porch’, probably because it used to be one) and read for what seems to be a long time. It is an unusually humid and warm night for this time of year which makes me only wonder with dread what July will bring. I detest hot, sticky weather and am determined that when I can afford to, I will eventually live someplace where it never gets warmer than 70 and so far I like the idea of cool, grey London, rainy Seattle and San Francisco, with it’s cool bay winds, although I know San Fran can get warm too. I have been to the latter (it was in May about ten years ago) but have never visited the other two. Anyway, the whole rest of the house is very warm and still and so there I sit, gradually becoming aware of feeling a little sweaty, and of how dark it is getting, since I keep tilting my book more toward the fading light. Later tonite I’m supposedly going to meet up with Cheryl, and her friend Tiesha and we don’t exactly have any plans, or money, for that matter, and it’s not really for sure whether we’re getting together but she said she’d call around 7-ish. Well it’s way past ish now and I got up from my book perch to step outside where I hope to cool off a bit. I saunter out onto the atrium, barefoot, armed with my cordless phone and I fight with a light wind out of nowhere, to light a cigarette. I smoke for a few minutes but I don’t stay for long because soon I am afraid someone will lock the front door on me before I can come back in. I go back in and read some more of my Laurie Fox novel, of which I can’t seem to get enough. I am now hell-bound to get my hands on and read everything of hers if it kills me. I am inspired by her characters, although they are based people from her real life, I am in love with them and their plights. Is plights a word? I don’t know. My God, I just now notice all the traffic and wonder where the hell it is coming from but then I realize that I am very near the ‘West Suh-IIDE’, where, as you may or may not know, many of St. Paul’s Mexican-Americans reside, who, I’m sure are all out galavanting and whoo hoo-ing, full of cerveza and bad intentions. Perhaps if my plans fall through, I will ride the bus down there and see what kind of trouble I can get into. Haha…I kill me. As IF. Like I’m some kind of puta on a mission. Damn. I don’t have much else to share tonite but perhaps I will en la manana. I suppose I’d better get offline now, before Cheryl pulls up (I hope) and tosses a brick into my window w/a note attached that says ‘get OFFLINE!’ Stranger things have happened.
“..and it’s too late baby, now its too late/though we really did try to make it/something inside has died/and I can’t hide and I can’t fake it” -Carole King
Posted by dayleeblog |