BJ Woods

Know what’s wonderful? unit inspections are tomorrow and my landlord w/be here checking things out while I’m at work. My apartment is a dump. there are letters and pieces of junk mail and bank statements and literature all over my dining room table, laundry that needs to be ironed in a pile on the floor of my bedroom, two days’ worth of dishes in my sink and I have no time to pick up. 

Went to a web seminar today and the topic was websites for government.  Let me just tell you that I was pretty overwhelmed with the information on regulation of the internet. plus now I have come away with 360 pages on the topic. I’ll probably punch holes in it, file it and read it later. I also have about a dozen of those MS Powerpoint presentation dealies where they print out the presentation for you. let’s just say I’ve seen enough of those for a while…I just want to get a t-shire that reads, “No handouts for me thanks.”.  Dude, I took notes AND paid attention during the presentation, which was merely lots of screen transition effects and cute little noises added to mouse clicks.

I went home and looked at my careerobjectively for awhile.  Today a big decision was made by me, after some deep thought on it these last few days. I’m gonna be going into consulting, on my own.

I am just starting out but I plan to at least have fun while doing it. I just need to get out of the corporate american firm mousetrap and still keep my head above water. my reasons for doing this? mostly, because I’m soooo done w/the rat race! the other reason? I need to quench this urge to make a living doing something I like, for once.

It’s late now and I think I just may clean up this hazard of a place in the morning, so I am gonna go to bed now.

Nitey nite.

The weather’s even been pleasant, what with the high temps only in the 70’s everyday. Haven’t been up to anything exciting, of course *gasp* are you shocked?

Last night I babysat for my darling nephew, who still kicks my ass at video games and is increasing his word power every day. I’m impressed, it’s as if he’s been checking out the Reader’s Digest section on vocabulary.

I’m planning on taking him around downtown sometime next week, to ride the big bus like the cityfolk do and maybe grab some lunch. I want us to go scout out all the Snoopy sculptures they started putting up around town in June for the ‘Peanuts on Parade’ dealie. Yeah, I think he’ll like that. We can get a map of where they all are and go get our pictures taken with Snoopy, too. I’m all revved up. I’ve even got my pose all picked out.

You know, I nearly forgot to show you that sunset from the other night:

This was the sunset from just a day after the Aurora Borealis

that was viewable around midnight in some areas

As promised, here are the pics I took from when I went out to the bar with Sandy, Tony, Chris and Donna after the Booya earlier this month.

 ”Fuckin’ Chris”

 ”Fuckin’ Tony”

 Sandy’s mad at Tony “He’s not even TRYING and winning!”

 Fuckin’ Chris and Fuckin’ Tony

  Chris getting warmed up…or mebbe he has the ‘bends’

  ”Crazy” Donna

  Sandy aka “Queen Belcher” lets out a big one…

  Tony “Winning unfairly” according to Sandy. Look @ that arm!

 Our beeramid. Yes that’s my elbow on the left. I took the pix!

Yes, we’re a bunch of rednecks! 

Gosh, it’s damned late. Yikes.

I better get to bed.

…here’s how to take a shower.

Ladies:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband/boyfriend along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.

Condition your hair with enhanced grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband/boyfriend along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Men:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife/girlfriend along the way, shake wiener at her making the ‘woo-woo’ sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your behind.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart. Laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a shampoo mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the

whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife/girlfriend along the way, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the ‘woo-woo’ sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

OK the title’s not meant to poke fun.

NOT AT ALL.

I just wanted to grab your attention and just say my 2 cents on this whole thing going down in West Virginia.

Now, I don’t watch a lot of TV nor do I pay that much attention to news lately.

If any TV is on, it’s either the local cable music channel stuff or else I switch back and forth between TBS and FOX news and it’s on in the background while I work (from home).

So like I said, I don’t *watch* it. But I do listen a bit here and there.

Last night, I had the TV on almost all night. Who knows why. Every now and again I heard things here and there that perked up my ears.

The first thing that perked up my ears first was Geraldo (aka Jerry Rivers) bawling as his live video feed from WV was being broadcast from the church yard. Everyone was singing hymns and hollering, as the media person at the time was talking to Geraldo and reporting an apparent miracle that these guys had survived. I thought, “Well that’s a relief!” and went pretty much back to work.

About 3 hours later Donna Fiduca comes on the TV and says “What a rollercoaster this has been. [ ]…12 miners are now considered dead and there was only 1 survivor…” or something to that effect.

I did a double-take and thought, “Crikey, that chick’s on crack!”

Because that was all I heard and thought she needs her rest because that is not what everyone else has been reporting for the last 3 hours!

Then it occured to me to pay attention because I heard someone on the scene at the church who was interviewing a WV citizen who was crying and upset and that’s when I knew there was something really wrong.

I felt a twang in my stomach and I was a bit upset to hear all this bad news after having put up with Geraldo’s joyous fit some time earlier, along with all the smiley news reporters grinning and guffawing, the other happy dappy journalists interviewing people left and right. CNN was showing that same stuff too. I thought, “Hey people–give it a rest.”. Wait ’til the press conference.

But there wasn’t one. At least not until 3am. Not good, media people!

About 2 hours or so before the bad news hit the TV stations, I was watching intently on CNN (I do switch back and forth and make up my own mind) where they had split the screen, and in one half, was some sort of industry professional talking and in the other, I saw people yelling at cameras and shooshing them away with their arms waving.

I thought that was *weird*. Hours before, it seemed like everyone left and right at the scene by the church was more than happy to get on camera and have their say. I wondered if it was just people hating on CNN or what.

Now I feel as though that was a foreshadowing to me, that perhaps some of the people were hearing bad news before all the news people gobbled it up and puked it all over the TV.

I don’t know. I just think sometimes, we all need to shut up and pay attention to what’s going on before we shout to the hilltops, and other such nonsense.

The media knows better than that, to wait for the spokesperson or official connected with ACTUAL word on what’s going on. And in my opinion, the governor’s office certainly should have had one of his flunkies rush right over to the church scene and say “WAIT people, we ARE NOT SURE of this information. It’s not been confirmed just yet.”

See, people like to play telephone, and get shit cornfused but good. Some damned fool was probably standing around listening at the rescue scene and not minding his own beeswax, then took “We found them” to mean “They’re alive, and one’s dead…go tell everyone on your Nokia now, you dumb redneck!” Not to offend. I meant that in a funny Jeff Foxworthy tone.

And that’s all she wrote. For now.

Funny about Geraldo’s real name eh? Take such an American Cheese name and spice it up a bit, and viola, Instant Ethnicity!

Sort of like, if Kraft decided to change the name of their popular “Kraft Singles” to ” Rebanadas Queso Americano”.

Hee.

has two penises
No, I don’t. I have none, actually, being that I’m an anatomically full fledged female. But there’s this guy I wrote about back a few years ago, that does.

+divorcing crack addict
There are no crack addicts here, divorced and otherwise. I did do an entry about Fantasy headlines for 2006, wherein I foresaw Michael Jackson’s marriage to a crack-addicted Macauley Culkin but apparently someone was looking for advice on how to divorce a crack addict though. I’m guessing it would be easy. Why doncha just take away Tyrone’s crack? Done like dinner.

annette benning academy
The Annette Benning Academy of Acting: We teach you how to get nominated for Oscars and
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This entry was posted on Sunday, November 6th, 2005 at 1:40 am and is filed under

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People always ask me where I got the nickname ‘BJ’.

Well, first off, my folks wanted a million kids, their firstborn–they wanted badly–to be a son. My dad, who was an orphan, was named ‘William’ before he got adopted by a foster family. I don’t know why they renamed him but he wound up being called Robert instead of ‘William’. So then Dad’s name became Robert and naturally the first kid was going to be named ‘William Robert’ because ‘William’ was really Dad’s name but ‘Robert’ was his new name so they wanted to incorporate them somehow, and pass it on. When my grandmother on my mother’s side got wind of this, she said, “You name that kid ‘William Robert’, and I’m sure as hell gonna call him ‘Billy Bob’!” Well, mom wasn’t so keen on that (being a Northerner) so she and dad decided the firstborn would be called ‘Robert William’ instead.

Although I turned out to be a girl through and through, I got stuck with my folks naming plan anyway. So the name on my birth certificate is Roberta Joanne. Everyone knows “Roberta” is the female version of the name ‘Robert’. And what do “Roberts” usually get nick-named? “Bobby”. Only mine is spelled with an ‘i’, making it “Bobbi”. Joanne, being my middle name, becomes shortened to “Jo”. So my birth name converts into the name I prefer to be called, which is “Bobbi Jo”, and thusly, “BJ”.

For years I got called BJ sometimes by my parents, who thought not only was it short, but cute. When I was six, a TV show came out called, “BJ And The Bear” and the lead character was called “BJ McKay” and so that is when it really stuck and everyone started calling me that.

Same day, different year..

Other posts on this day:

• I AM back. I really AM! – 2005

From the “What the …?” Dept.: 

A razor blade-encapsuled in glycerin soap. Must be the height of goth glamor? But then again I consider myself fairly normal, so what do I know about it?

I can’t even begin to understand the reasoning behind this product. Perhaps it’s for the gal who has everything. But the razor is stuck in the middle of a thick soap, so more than likely this is for the gal who says, “I’m gonna kill myself. Eventually. Just not today.” Wonder how many showers does it take to get the middle?

This sick product comes to us from on the web store belonging to the wonderful people at Feto Soap, an already sick and twisted company which is famous for manufacturing soaps that have replicas of fetuses inside. So I guess the razor soap was eventual. I’m very sure I do not want to see what is next from these people.

Now that’s the kind of business we should want our future generations to aspire to! I can imagine a company representative doing a presentation for Junior Acheivement, where all the little girls in the room want to make soaps that contain pornstar silouhettes and punk-gear-wearing fetuses.

Same day, different year..

Other posts on this day:

• I did it all for the nookie – 2005

Hey Fred! Tony Soprano wants his expression back.

And the hairy gorilla belly.

And the 2 dollar Jersey whore.

More info here…

Same day, different year..

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• Now I’ve seen everyfreakingthing – 2005

Ahh jeez…I thought I was a huge Sanrio fan, but this is kinda pushing the envelope, doncha think?

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 3rd, 2005 at 6:29 pm and is filed under xX-Everything Else-Xx. You can follow responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your site.

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It’s A Scary Thing

For those of you wanting to be clever at Halloween but out of ideas, here is a Martha Stewart mask that you can print and cut out, courtesy of Forbes magazine.

Did I do thaaat??
Oh Urkel…you and every other nerd have been trying to get into my pants since Junior High. When will Johnny Depp or Ed Burns ever wanna take a stab? Wake me then!

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