Kiss My Sass » Blog Archive » Jason Bateman shoulda been my man

Yes.

I had the hots for Mallory Keaton’s little, freckle-faced kid brother ever since he was in Silver Spoons.

Gawd, I used to adore him!

Unlike most chicks I went to school with, I was never one of those girls in the class who really got all ‘groupied-out’ and fell head over heels for everyone. You know…David AND Sean Cassidy AND Donnie Osmond AND John Travolta, and a bunch of other famous guys. I was like, “You guys! You can’t say they’re all your favorite!”

Nope. Jason was my only guilty little fantasy. Lots of girls I knew had life-sized posters of The Bee Gees, and Bo and Luke Duke on the backs of their bedroom doors, and *gasp* even up on their bedroom ceilings! Those were really annoying, at least to me. And quite risque, as I recall, at least it was back in those days. Especially the ones from the Dukes of Hazzard, with John Schneider and Tom Wopat leaning against the General Lee, the sun beating down on them, belt buckles and Hollywood teethy smiles a-gleaming! Then there was the Gibb brothers, all sparkly in their bejeweled white satin disco duds, shirts opened down to practically the navel to show off hairy chests (eww I could never understand the hairy chest fetish of girls my age back then).

OK, OK, OK, OK, I’ll admit I was a teeny-weeny bit jealous, but for two very good reasons…

1) I didn’t feel, nor could I quite understand the attraction to men much more mature, that my friends all insisted on,

and

2) My mother would have fainted dead away if she ever found such a huge representation of glossy mascuiline sex, slapped to the back of the door to my bedroom. So I had to settle for crap like getting a subscription to Highlights magazine but while sneaking peeks at Seventeen, Cosmopolitan, and Teen Beat while at the library or the bookstore, to get secret looks at all the famous boys, who I never liked as much as Jason any damn way.

I recall fondly now, how I would race downstairs to the family room (where the bigger color TV was) and watch Valerie (later named Hogan Family after Valerie Harper quit the series and they killed off her character) and Growing Pains would come on, after (Kirk Cameron could have been a contender crush, but his character Mike Seaver, was dumb and goofy whereas Jason’s David Hogan was smart, witty and could charm the pants off ya) .

Then he went and got married.

Now that he’s finally getting the stardom he deserved for so long (only recently thanks to the Fox hit Arrested Development), he’s all over the place, and tons of other girls love him too.

So much for any chance of me having’ him all to myself! Makes me want to cry. Sort of.

I just thought that it was sort of bizarre that I managed to have a crush on a tv star (now movie star too) for so long. You know what I mean? Like…I once heard a friend say they loved Greg Brady until he hit puberty or something like that, but Jason…well he was always hot in my book.

Yeah, so he ain’t ALL THAT, in the looks department, but he was definitely a cutie (holla!*) and still is cute, in that clean-cut, all-American, boyish way. And his personality and sense of humor made him HOT, just the fact that his characters were always smart asses (smart guys are WHITE HOT in my book) and well, Jason just being on TV doing these types of characters made me stark raving mad.

The only other person I think I had been as obsessed with for almost as long, was Kristy McNichol, until she faded out after a couple movies once her career on Family was over. I just thought she was so much cuter than I was and she was oh so clever and inquisitive as Buddy, making her so precocious.

So…now that damned Jesse Metcalfe with his hot ass (humina hummmmina) had to just come onto the toob and have sex with Eva Longoria’s character on Desperate Housewives. Now that boy just makes my butta melt, I tell ya.

OK I really need to get a life now.

See ya later

* ok sorry I kinda went all Ghetto Oprah back there. ‘Scuse me. *ahem*

Same day, different year..